Real Talk – Fear #1

Fears are something everyone has, and I think it is safe to say that everyone has more than one fear. None of this fake “Four only has four fears” Divergent nonsense, although I do love that book series, but it is only a story! Everyone has fears and I am no different. It is funny to think of fears as an adult rather than as a kid. As a child I think we usually associated fear with literal scary things like monsters and being frightened… and spiders… still a very relevant fear. But as an adult, we have different fears that have developed, fears that children may not understand why they would be scary.

Today I am just talking about one of my fears. It seems like something silly but I know I am not alone in it, or at least I hope not. I fear doing things alone. Not things like grocery shop, get food, and every day things, but like going to events or places I have never been before type of things. For example, last year Nordstrom hosted these Style Tips and Sips nights at some of their stores. I thought that sounded fun, and it was free, so I signed up. As the night approached I already felt anxious about it. The night of the event I drove to Nordstrom which was all of maybe 2 miles from my place and sat in the parking lot talking on the phone with my sister. I was telling her how I was trying to think of any excuse not to go and she said she knew I would but was happy I was there. Finally I walked in to where the little meeting was supposed to be held and saw no one! I started to panic. I think that is one thing that invokes this fear the most, I hate looking lost or like I do not know what I am doing. Finally a super cute girl in a super cute outfit walked up and asked if I was there for the Style Tips and Sips and said they decided to change to a better location and showed me the way. I went in the room and was the first one there. As time went on it turned out I was the only one who showed that night so I got a little one on two style session with the girl who saved me, Taylor, and one of the beauty girls Lizia (I probably totally spelled that wrong, sorry babe!). It turned out to be so fun and ended with us girls chit-chatting and following each other on Instagram. Taylor is now someone I constantly see and interact with on Insta. Something I was afraid to go to, turned into a new little friendship, I was so happy I went.

So now the question, why am I so afraid of things like that?! I don’t even know if I know the right answer. I think it boils down to caring what others think. As I said earlier, I hate looking like I don’t know what I am doing or looking lost. But why?! Why do I lack the confidence to just do something and if I do it wrong who cares? It is a flaw that can really be crippling, but I am actively trying to work on it. I can’t remember exactly when we said it, but Tabitha (my sister) and I were giving each other a pep talk when we were trying to take photos and were afraid of looking lame, and we just said let’s do it! Do scary things! Since then, whenever I want to try something scary (to me) I just repeat that phrase in my head, do scary things. Every single time I do a scary thing, I come out so happy that I did it. Knowing this, has given me more confidence to do more. Well I still feel scared, but I can convince myself faster to just do it.

At church on Sunday, something was said that really stuck with me, “How much more of an adventure would life be, if we didn’t have to feel like we had to have it all together?” I will probably talk about this phrase again, but wow! If I didn’t care so much what others would think, then I probably wouldn’t have this fear of doing things alone and looking “silly”. Why do we need to have it all together when we only need to care about what God thinks? And if we are doing everything to serve and live by Him then we should know we are doing things right, amiright?! How much am I missing out on because I am scared? Probably a whole lot. I am not saying that boom I addressed this issue to the public, now I can be free from my fear. No, this is going to take some work and has been taking some work. Fear, no matter what it is for, imprisons you. It is not something that will go away, but I want to be able to manage it, acknowledge that it is there, and choose to move past it. Disclaimer, I think fear for real scary things is a safe thing… like jumping off a bridge, doing something illegal, or doing something you know is dangerous and you shouldn’t do. That little voice saying hey this is scary and you can get hurt or die, yes, listen to that little guy, but fear that makes you say no to life, let’s try to ignore him.

Does anyone share this little yet big fear with me? I would love to hear about it to know I am not alone here. Let’s overcome it together, say it with me DO SCARY THINGS! (the little voice in my head is saying SAFE SCARY THINGS! hahah, yes I am Chucky from the Rugrats)… more fears to come, I think it is helping to talk about it.

Happy Wednesday!

Shop the look: Tank | Shorts | Belt | Shoes | Heart Sunnies | Purse

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Bladies!!

If you follow me on Instagram, you have probably seen I have been rollerblading. Yes rollerblading! I am not even sure exactly how it came up but earlier this month Kristen, my fellow blader and I, went to our other friend’s, Theresa, son’s first birthday party. On our drive home we talked about rollerblading and before we knew it, the next day we were at Big 5 Sporting Goods buying blades! We had to go to two different Big 5s to find them and were so excited we immediately took them for a spin. There is a bike trail that goes through our city and through a couple neighboring ones. We parked at one of the entrances and took off! We were a little wobbly and flail-y but we did it and now that is all we want to do every day. I couldn’t believe how fun it was and is, I don’t remember it being so relaxing. The first night we went 3 miles and didn’t even realize it! I love that it is a workout but it doesn’t feel like one. Well sometimes, the father we go the more hills we find and realize our buns are burning on the way back up. Our last go we went 8.3 miles! Each time we try to go at least a little further. It is usually around 6-6:30 by the time we go. At that time it is getting cooler and the sun is setting. I have already said it but is really is so relaxing. Just getting outside in the fresh air, you cannot help but smile after being cooped up all day.

The coolest thing about it though, besides the workout and therapeutic qualities, is what it is starting. Kristen and I took a bunch of short videos on our Insta stories and I ended up making a video for IGTV (watch it here), and we both got a couple messages from other girls who want to join us! The next time we went we already had a new bladie! Holly had dug up her blades and came out with us. Now my older sister bought some (we just broke her’s in last night, she is a little shaky but will get back in the groove!), and two other girls want to buy some and join too! I feel like we really might be starting something here! We keep calling ourselves the bladies or babes on blades. I am going to be so excited if more babes start joining us. You just wait, soon there we be neighborhood complaints about the lady blade gang, it is going to be awesome!

I linked our blades below, it is crazy that Kris and I have already put 35.7 miles on these guys! They are much more comfortable than I remember as a kid, maybe because these ones, tie and buckle, not just buckle all the way up. I also linked my palm print workout outfit, they are new and I love them! If you are local to Rancho Cucamonga come join us! If not, seriously get some blades and start up where you are, you will love it!

Shop the look: Blades | Sports Bra | Leggings | Sunnies

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Feeling Behind

I know most have probably felt this way at some point in their lives or are feeling it right now, but I have really been battling the feeling of being behind. It all ties into that darn comparison trap. My older sister (year and a half older) is married, has a 5 (almost 6) year old, and is wanting to have another baby. My younger brother (year and a half younger) is married and they are expecting their first baby girl in February (SO EXCITED). My two little sisters are in serious relationships and will probably be engaged soon. Three of my five best friends are married and one of those three has a one year old son. Another best friend is engaged, and the fifth is in a serious relationship and will probably be engaged very soon. It is hard to think of how everyone you know is moving on with their lives and you feel like you are just stuck where you are.

The battle with this is I know I am not stuck, but I still get dragged down this hole of feeling like my life isn’t going like it is supposed to. I am not saying that all of this is because I do not have a boyfriend. I know a man does not determine my life. But it is more of my life isn’t going according to MY plan, yet everyone I know is. A breakup almost four years into a relationship was not part of my plan. Being single at 28 was not part of my plan. My plan was to be engaged right about now and planning a wedding. Instead I just work and talk about dates like nothing but inside I am terrified to go on one. Which leads me down another hole of thinking OMG I AM GOING TO BE ALONE FOREVER BECAUSE I WILL NEVER MEET SOMEONE. Then I think, well maybe I am meant to be the single one forever. Like how do you meet someone, or better yet, how do you meet someone when all of your friends are in relationships?

I have to remember that MY plan means nothing. This is all GOD’S plan. I am only here because of Him and my life will go according to His plan and His will, no one else’s. As much as I try to control everything or have very strong ideas about how things should go, they mean nothing to His plan. This has been a major time of practicing patience. It is ironic because last year two of my girlfriends and I were doing a bible study with the book Wait and See, and my whole season of waiting was for the next chapter of my life, to get engaged and get married (or so I thought). Little did I know that instead of getting proposed to by the man I thought I would marry, I would get dumped. I am still in that season of waiting however, the circumstances have changed. I know that in order for God’s plan to be fulfilled and to bring me together with the one I am supposed to be with, I had to be rid of the one I wasn’t meant to be with. It took awhile to be able to admit that, but I know God wouldn’t let us go through such pain without purpose. Thinking of it in a positive light, I am one step closer to finding my future husband BECAUSE things ended with who I thought I was meant to be with.

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Now the real waiting is happening. Before it was waiting and waiting for the wrong guy to propose which was never going to happen, but I thought I knew what was going to happen. Now the waiting is unknown. I know one day I will get married. My friend reminded me that God did not put us here to be alone. But WHO will I get married to one day? WHERE will I meet this man? WHEN will I meet this man? WILL I know when I meet this man? There are a lot of unanswered questions. In fact, all are unanswered questions. The only thing I know to be true is that I need to have patience and I need to trust in God.

Feeling behind is a constant struggle. I literally have to work on it every day or it can really get you down. It can make you not excited for people you love when they are getting what you want. I have had to consciously make an effort to be genuinely excited. Since time has passed that is easier. My excitement for my friends and my family who are getting married and having babies is real, but there is still the pain deep down of wondering when my time will be. I will keep practicing patience, it is all I can do. That, and trusting that He really does have an amazing plan and purpose for me. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future,” Jeremiah 29:11.03_1600x

Palm Tree Oasis!

My mom has been wanting to take me to the palm tree oasis in Thousand Palms for like ever. Last time we tried it was way too windy. She wanted to try this time but we had to go super early because of how hot it was… like this past Friday was ONLY supposed to be 113°. We wanted to get there by 7am but ended up running an hour late. Good thing because we found out they don’t open until 8am. When we got there, the Coachella Valley Preserve, it looked closed. When we walked up we were told the visitor center is closed during this part of the season, but the trails were open. 

It was such a cool place! So many huge palm trees all together with trails and bridges in between. The not cool part, all of the bugs! I felt like you couldn’t stop moving for too long because the bugs would attack you. Them or the lizards everywhere. We went through a few trails, passed a sign that said watch out for wildlife and listed dragon flies, lizards, and whatever. We went a little farther and the next wildlife sign showed things like bobcats, mountain lions, snakes OH-MY! We turned around and said we had gone far enough. We did one more trail and called it a day. It probably took longer to drive there than it did to walk through what we did! But it was really cool to see. It would definitely be cool to go back when it is cooler so you can stay longer. There are even picnic tables to bring a lunch.

At least we got a few good photos. I love this casual outfit I put together. To be honest I bought this cropped tee to wear to the OC Fair when we go this Friday, but I felt it was very Palm Springs so I wore it already, oops! I have been loving the longer, loose crop tops, the ones that just barely graze the top of your high waist bottoms. All items are linked below, the top and shorts are Topshop from Nordstrom, the hat is from Target, and the Adidas are from Nordstrom as well (got them as part of the sale and they are like my favorite thing!). 

Outfit details linked here: Top | Shorts | Hat | Shoes | Sunnies & Purse (hanging on the photographer… aka Mom)

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Thoughts on Braces

I have had my braces for a month and a half now. Only sixteen and a half more months, but who is counting… When I got my braces I had all of these negative thoughts. I was so uncomfortable in them, they were and all I could feel, my lips hurt, and obviously my teeth were aching (and still do most days). They felt so prominent under my lips that I felt that was all people could see when they looked at me. From the feel of them I felt like I had crazy dinosaur teeth or something (I know I am weird). All I was thinking was that I looked like I was in junior high and how was I ever going to get a date? Who was going to want to go out with a brace face? I know, I was being so dramatic but that is how I felt. When I would inspect them in the mirror I would see they were not even half as obvious as they were in my head. I even had some people talking to me and then half way through say wow they didn’t even notice I had braces, and that was that. Like no big deal at all. I have been working on being chill about them. A lot of people had braces and I know a lot of adults get braces so I need to stop being so self conscious about them. I know the end result is going to be amazing.

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Another thing about braces kind of made me laugh. I have had like three or four people ask me why I even got braces because my teeth were not bad before. I would say are you kidding?! Then proceed to point out all of the spots I was unhappy with, to which they would tell me I was crazy. I guess we really are way more critical of ourselves than others. We are definitely our own worst enemy sometimes. It felt nice to hear that people didn’t see my before teeth as bad because I have always been so self conscious about them.

They have for sure been a growing experience and I am getting used to them. Although, pretty much everyone told me when you get them tightened they only hurt again for like a day. Well I had my first tightening two weeks ago AND THEY HURT FOR THE ENTIRE WEEK AFTER. Eating has been a serious challenge. I do not like how it feels to eat with them and I am terrified to even talk or smile after I eat so I am always running to the bathroom to brush them. Now I can say that is my biggest fear if I ever go on a date, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO EAT? I guess I will figure that out if I ever even go on a date haha. I will keep you updated. Until then I will be working on not feeling like a nerd.

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4th of July and Things

Hey you all! It has been awhile (I feel like I have been starting every post off with that, but hey it is the truth). Everything has been so busy! I feel like I have had something almost every weekend until this weekend. Now I got to rest before having something for the next three weekends again.

I hope everyone had a great 4th of July! I had no plans until the day before, but I was able to go to Heather and her boyfriend’s friends BBQ and it was so fun! We hung out with good people, ate great food, played corn hole, and sported our red, white, and blue. Where they live is kind of on a hill so we had a good view of a ton of fire works.

Leading up to the 4th I had a project in mind. Ever since IGTV came out I’ve been really wanting to try and make a video. I planned out a 4th of July video and had my bfffff help me with it. I really wanted to do sparklers on the beach. I had my red bathing suit, she had her 4th of July tank, and I picked up sparklers from my dad’s, we were all set. We were kind of nervous about using the sparklers on the beach. Fireworks are only legal at Huntington Beach between 12-10pm on the 4th of July. Sooo we ended up chickening out, plus it was super windy, plus it was taking forever for the sun to set, plus we mostly chickened out haha. We ended up doing the sparklers a few days later by the pool so when you see the video pretend it is all in one day (go to my channel on Insta to see it!).

Okay so I am new to this video thing and really have no skills. I was so excited to finish it, I added a song, and once I posted it Intsagram blocked it because of the song! Is there a special way to put music on a video? I was trying to research and I read you have to find a non-copyrighted song so I guess that will be my next hunt. I may repost my video with a new song if I find a good one because I had to use the ones available on iMovie and it’s alright. Any tips would be greatly appreciated!

Anyways a couple other things, we had my sister’s surprise 30th birthday party last weekend on June 30th and I am so happy it is over! The party was really fun but throwing a surprise party is hard when you live with the person, ESPECIALLY when that person is my older sister (no offense). I am like 99% sure she knew about the party but oh well, it all worked out.

Lastly next weekend I am off to Vegas to spend the weekend with my little sister! We are going to do “kind of Vegas” so I ordered a “kind of Vegas” dress (hopefully it gets here on time!). When I say kind of Vegas I mean we are going to a pool at Fremont Street and maybe a couple other places but most likely not mainstream Vegas (unless it leads there). It will be fun! She also said I need to practice talking to boys… she said I have a “why are you talking to me face” that I need to work on (I type this rolling my eyes and probably making said “why are you talking to me face”). Excuse me that I am awkward and do not know how to talk to boys!

Well that is all for now, have a happy Monday and I hope your weekend was great!

Life Changes and Heartbreak

I think it is time to get a little real, okay a lot real. I think I am ready. The last four months have been nothing less than a roller coaster. Instagram as everyone knows, or should know, is not real life. It is real and the pictures and moments we share are real, but the good cannot exist in this life without the bad, and naturally we only choose to share the good. The past four months I have worked hard to keep up “good” and “fine” appearances on social media, but I was not fine. From a few subtle Instagram stories I shared, some may have noticed that I moved, but you may not know why.

Since I have moved out of my parents house four years ago, I have moved four times and I HATE MOVING. First I moved in with one of my best friends (you all know her, it was Heather!), the next year I moved in with my boyfriend, the next year he and I moved into a new apartment (hang on, let me rephrase that, I MOVED us to a new apartment while he was away at basic training), and a year and a half later, I just moved in with my sister and her family, without him.

About four months shy of four years and he ended it. This was exactly four months ago today. Even four months later I still can’t believe it sometimes. I understand why, but I don’t understand why. Why after almost four years can you not know if you EVER want to get married? How can you start a relationship so perfectly and as the years go on, lose how to be a boyfriend? Lose affection? Why couldn’t you try? Why didn’t you want to try? Why are you so convinced you cannot change?

So things ended and we lived together. Our lease doesn’t end until October and there is no way out unless he gets military orders. We were stuck. I had to come home and see the man who broke me every night. Eventually he started staying at a friends during the week and I would come home to sit in our apartment alone. I left almost every weekend for a distraction and so he could actually come home. Finally after a month, he offered to take over the lease and my sister and brother-in-law offered to let me move in. That was the hardest move I have ever done. How was I supposed to pack up my things and leave his behind? To remove any trace of me out of that apartment that we made our home? It took a lot to get the motivation to even start. I would go through waves of emotions while packing, devastation, frustration, anger, sobbing. Mostly I just packed through constant silent tears. I got it all done and started officially living with my sister in March. Driving away after giving him the keys made it real, I would not be seeing him again. It felt like a month long breakup, the slowest band aid in the world.

I understand why. You don’t know if you ever want to get married or have a family, but you know I do, and you don’t want to waste anymore of my time. I get it. I also get that I didn’t give you that feeling that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me. You didn’t love me like I loved you. These last four months have been the hardest for me. I have to drive by our old apartment twice a day and every time I am looking for your truck both terrified and longing to be even next to you on the freeway. I have never experienced such emptiness, brokenness, anxiety, and suffocation all at the same time. It was like someone was sitting on my chest and it was hard to breathe, and for hours every day I have to sit in my car with no one but my thoughts of you and how you don’t want me anymore. I think of how I wanted to be the one who changed you, to make you want to be better. But I guess you really can’t change people, only God can, and I still continue to pray for you every day. I still feel weird without you, like I am not quite myself. Sometimes I feel like I do not know how to carry on a conversation anymore because every story I want to tell has you in it. How am I just supposed to take you out of my life when I wanted you in it forever? How am I supposed to be normal at a family function when everyone is with their significant other and they all know mine left me? What do you say when all your friends say “the right guy will come,” and you just want to scream because you feel like the right guy just didn’t want you? Deep down you pray they are right, but you don’t even want to pray for the right guy because it feels wrong and you just want the old guy back. How am I supposed to breakup with your family that has become my family? I feel like I am the one that failed sometimes.

For the first time in a long time I feel like I have no control because my future is unknown, and it is an unsettling feeling that I hope turns to excitement eventually. It is often hard for me to let go, and when I say often I mean always. Life feels like it has completely turned upside down. I am so thankful to my sister and brother-in-law for letting me move in, but it is their home and not mine. I am a long term guest and I try so hard to not be in the way. For the first time I don’t feel like I have a real home, a place I can truly call mine. My days are spent in my car commuting and at work, if I am lucky I have 3 hours to do anything. My commute tripled and I now drive 46 miles one way. In order to get to work early enough to leave early enough to avoid as much traffic as I can, I have to leave for work by 5:15am and leave for home by 3:30pm. The drive in still takes at best an hour and ten minutes and the drive home averages an hour and a half to two. If I go to the gym I am not home until after 7 or 8pm. Trying to go to bed early has been a joke and waking up at 4:15am is next to impossible most days. Weeks of averaging five hours of sleep a night doesn’t work for me very well and doesn’t do any good for outrageous emotions.

Two weeks ago he picked up his dirt bike from my dad’s. That was the last lingering piece of him. I noticed after it was gone I felt a little lighter. Maybe I was anticipating him going to pick it up because I wanted to know what he would say to my dad and how he would act. It was like I was going to live vicariously through my dad to have one last connection with him. Now there is nothing left and I felt okay. I actually noticed I have been significantly better until I sat down to write this blog. You would think you only had so many tears to spare for one person, but no they come yet again. I do not regret our four years together despite everyone telling me they wished he hadn’t have wasted so much of my time. I was still in love, even if looking back now it may have been more one sided than I chose to believe. I know now I deserve better. I want someone that will hold my hand in private and in public, someone who will hug me every day like they mean it and will give me a good morning kiss, hello I am home from work kiss, I will be right back kiss, a good night kiss, and any other kiss in between. I want someone who will say I love you first and not just say it in response with no emotion. I want someone who isn’t afraid to post a picture with me and show everyone he knows that I am his. I want someone who isn’t afraid to pray and love God.

Every day I get stronger, and still some days seem like a step back. I can’t see a black Ford F150 without my heart fluttering, but last week I drove by the apartments and didn’t notice until I passed them. One day at a time, that is all I can give myself. I thank God every day for all of the friends and family He has put in my life to help get me through this. For the ones who know I don’t like to talk about these things but want me to know they are still thinking of me and praying for me even if they aren’t asking about it. I pray for him too, that God will change his heart and that one day he will find true happiness. One day at a time and eventually I will be there.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Proverbs 4:23

xoxo- B