That New New – Pt. 2

Hey! I’m going to stop you right there and say if you have not read the first half of this post, That New New – Pt. 1, then go read that first.

I have left you hanging on updates since May… sorry about that, slack attack. Recap, it was May and I bought a plane ticket to go meet Mr. Montana in June, IN MONTANA, and be his wedding date… to a wedding he was also now officiating. Talk about a first date.

“Four months of anticipation packed into a carryon. 30 years of life and I’d never flown alone.”

Can you imagine my nerves? I was about to fly, BY MYSELF for the first time, to go meet a guy I had only ever FaceTimed… on Instagram because he never had enough service to actually FaceTime 😅. MY FATHER WAS LIKE WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! But I had to go.

“I swear my heart was beating louder than the roar of the engines as we touched down.”

The week had come, AND MY FLIGHT CHANGED LIKE DAYS BEFORE, WHICH WOULD HAVE LEFT ME TO MISS MY CONNECTING FLIGHT. So after waiting literally 10 hours for a call back from Delta, I got a flight the day prior, had to call my manager while I had the Delta lady on hold to get approved to take one more day off, and get to Montana a day early. June 4th. I would be there from Thursday at lunch time to Sunday. Walking out of the terminal I was SO NERVOUS. I arrived at noon-ish which meant Mr. Montana had to get me on his lunch break. I texted him and he told me he wasn’t there yet. I got on the escalator and saw him walking towards it, he was already there waiting to surprise me. With sunflowers, my favorite. Wearing cowboy boots, also my favorite. He walked up to me, put his spare arm around me and pulled me in for our first kiss and it was magical. We were both literally shaking as we walked back to his Jeep. Also please note he handed me the flowers and took my bag from me. I was shookth. Who was this gentleman and where did he come from?

“My knees weak and nervous, my mouth dry from my mask. The world was falling apart, but I just wanted to fall into you.”

He drove me to his cabin and had to go back to work, so I got to cuddle with his amazing dog Raen and take a nap. Life was good.

“The descend of the escalator, Lord please don’t let me fall. I could see you, cowboy boots, the sunflowers bright in your hand, my favorite.”

That night he came home from work, COOKED FOR ME, like the best pasta ever, then asked me to officially be his girlfriend. It was a dream. The rest of the weekend was amazing. Date night Friday, wedding for his best friends Saturday, and crying when I went home on Sunday.

“You wrapped your free arm around me, strong but gentle, and we kissed for the first time. It took everything in me not to melt into a puddle on the floor.”

A month goes by and I find a cheap plane ticket to go back for the Fourth of July, but I had to drive to Vegas in order to get this cheap flight. Done. Got to work at the crack of dawn, worked eight hours, drove four hours to Vegas, waited at the airport for like another four (or more) hours because my plane got delayed twice, and arrived at just about midnight for another fun filled Montana weekend which included staying in this chic little sheep wagon, a rodeo, and a river float.

“A trade, flowers for my bag, my hand in yours, and the wonder of whether the moment was even real as we walked to your Jeep.”

Two months later, I flew back out for Labor Day weekend (this time from Ontario and not Vegas) to move Mr. Montana back to California, and we have basically been together almost every day since.

“You opened my door. The brief moment to myself, as you put my bag in the back, might have been the first breath I took since you stole it away.”

That was just a super quick update, I will give more details in another post. Just know he is here, we are BEYOND happy, and oh yeah, his name is Preston.

“Door closed behind you, my face is in your hands, your lips on mine. You pulled back and smiled and I could see my future in your eyes.”

(follow on insta, @the.b.law, if you don’t already to see more of his lovely face 😉)

The Season has Changed

I found this post in my drafts. I don’t even remember when I started it, but if I had to guess it was before my birthday in February. Let me tell you, turning 30 really messes with your mind 😅. I have settled in though now that it has been over a month. Read on and we will circle up at the end:

In the midst of “finding myself” recently and being pretty happy with where I am currently at, I have also been feeling fairly lost. It is strange to have such conflicting feelings. I feel like I have come such a long way in being content, that this lost feeling character rearing its head is throwing me off. It makes me question really how much I have grown or learned.

This may sound weird or maybe even narcissistic, but I often think I am hyper-self aware. I don’t know if those are even the right terms, but let me explain. I am aware when I am feeling some sort of way, mostly when it is a way I should not be feeling. For instance, I will be the first to admit when I am throwing my own pity party. I will literally laugh at myself, acknowledge that I am ridiculous, yet still hang out at this sad party for one. Countless times I am telling my sister “I feel like (insert feeling), I know that’s not true, but I just feel (insert feeling).” It is such circle that one can go round and round in. I don’t even let her talk! It is just me talking to myself with her listening, playing both sides of the conversation.  I wonder if not having this self-awareness would make life easier. It would allow me to actually call my sister for good ole’ advice instead of just ranting and knowing deep down that I am just a nut. Now writing this, I don’t even know if that made sense but I hope it did.

ANYWAYS, I guess this is all to preface the fact that I have been feeling lost, but I know I am not, yet I am going to stay in this lost fog until I decide to pull myself out. So if you need me that is where I will be. This is a different feeling of lost though. It is more lost incognito. When I go somewhere I have never been, by myself, I hate looking lost and like I do not know what I am doing. Therefore I try really hard to act like I know what I am doing. That is what this feels like this time. A subtle war in myself of convincing everyone else I know what I am doing, but maybe I am just trying to convince myself. I don’t like appearing like I am not alright, so the front goes up.

I feel like I am in a sort of transition. Almost like the seasons changing, I am half bleh and half really happy.

That is where I ended that rant. The last line stuck out to me though today about feeling in transition and the seasons changing. Because I was absolutely right about that. At this current point in time, I am not feeling lost, I am feeling content, and dare I say… happy? Yes I said it, I am feeling genuinely happy, but not without reason. Something has happened since I originally started this post. Something you will hear about soon enough. So for now just know, we are doing okay 😊… 👇🏼 … 👀

my cheeks should be burnt from the amount of times youve made me blush.

 

Take a Chance On Me, In Person

I submitted this to Popsugar over a year ago and they didn’t publish it, so I might as well not let it go to waste. Read below to see my then and still struggle with the dating apps 🙃

(I actually have two others that haven’t been published, I am on a good streak with them… 0 published and 3 declined but who is counting? WE WILL NOT GIVE UP! But I will post the other two on here as well)

PS – I hope the title of this gets “Take a Chance on Me” by ABBA stuck in your head for three days. That is my gift to you if you get nothing else from this story. Okay now read:

Perhaps I have run out of eligible men that I already know that I would consider dating.

Take a Chance On Me, In Person – 10/30/18

I have had to come to a kind of surprising and possibly scary realization that never really mattered much until recently, where I have found myself 28 and single. The realization: I have never been on a real date. Now let me explain what I mean when I use the term “real date”. I have never been on a date with a guy that I did not previously know or was not already talking to. For example, I was in three long term relationships back to back. The first was a four and half year relationship which started in high school and ended in the middle of college. Our first date was on Valentine’s Day. He surprised me when I got off work and told me what restaurant we were going to, but that I had to drive because he was fifteen and did not have a license yet. It was romantic and innocent in the typical high school date fashion. My second long term boyfriend lasted around two years. Although I was in college, we knew each other from high school and used to help each other sneak into Spanish II late and undetected. Our first date was at Disneyland. My third and most recent long term relationship lasted just shy of four years. We were both two years out of college but kind of knew each other in college. Our first date was at Lazy Dog after weeks of texting. See the trend here?

I now find myself single and with no prospects. Perhaps I have run out of eligible men that I already know that I would consider dating. That leaves me with the great unknown dating world and to be honest, it terrifies me. I have so many questions and nerves. Where do you start? Where is a good place to meet good guys? How do you even talk to guys once you pry them out of their hiding spots? How do you know if they are psychos or not? My fears are never ending. I have noticed a pattern though. I have been single for 9 months now, so friends are starting to get curious if I am dating or ready to date yet. Almost every single one of them have asked, “Are you on the dating apps?” You know, all the free ones like Tinder, Bumble, Plenty of Fish, Coffee Meets Bagel, the list goes on and on. Even acquaintances and strangers, that is the first thing they ask when I say I am not seeing anyone. I immediately tell them, “No I am not online dating and I do not want to be part of that,” but now I am the curious one. Not curious to be on the apps, but whether or not the dating apps are the new norm for dating in today’s world?

I am starting to question if I have missed the entire era of good old fashion dating where you meet someone in person, feel a spark or some sort of interest, and the guy asks you out to dinner or drinks. Is this something that will only ever be remembered in movies and in tales of our parents telling us how it used to be in their day before evil technology took over the world? I have this burning urge to resist this new way, yet I am doing nothing to prove myself right. I keep telling myself that I want to give myself a chance on finding a date on my own before resulting to the dating apps. It is almost as if I have convinced myself that the apps are for giving up. They seem like the easy way out, letting them all come to you and weeding through the bad one liners.

What gets me the most confused is that in my head I have built up how against the dating apps I am, yet everyone who asks me if I am on them asks so with such normalcy. I cannot help but wonder if this is just what you do now. Not one friend or stranger that has asked me has done so with sarcastic tones or judgment in their voices. They have asked out of pure curiosity. I am the one pre-judging myself for even uttering or thinking the word “Tinder”. Yet again, I am not going out to try and find a date “the good old fashion way”. Instead I talk about it, make it sound like it could be fun, continue to dis the dating apps, and continue to not go out and meet people. At this rate I am going to die alone from sheer stubbornness all because I do not want to say I met my man online.

I am at a standstill, caught between hypocrisy and acceptance. Is there a right and wrong about the “correct” way to date, or is it more a battle of which is more effective rather than which is right? I know the pros to online dating, like not having enough time to “get out there” calls to me with all of my being, because who has the time to get ready and cast a line out there in anticipation that a good and (hopefully) attractive guy takes the bait? But as soon as I have a hint of wonder to download one of the apps, I think how much of a hypocrite I am being after badmouthing the act. I have come to the conclusion, to settle my mind on both sides, that I need to go out and give it a go at least once, evaluate the experience, and decide from there if I can handle it again, or if I want to take advantage of the apps as a tool and not a defeat. If this is the new norm, and everyone I talk to thinks it is normal to go on the apps, then maybe I am the one who is not normal and needs to get with the times.

Long Time No Talk!

Well hello there! It has been so long. I know I am late, I was supposed to do my first post on my birthday last week buuuuuut we still don’t have internet in the new house. So here is just a quick little life update!

If you don’t remember, when I last logged off we were packing and getting ready to move. We are all in the new house BUT unpacking is almost as bad as packing so there is stuff EVERYWHERE! It doesn’t help when you are super busy either. Slowly but surely we will get everything away.

So here we go:

  • My reason for taking a month-ish off from the blog was to finish some studying I am working on. I wanted to finish my first section by the end of January and let me tell you, I almost didn’t make it. I was just about to give myself a one day grace period (that I was really upset about) but I somehow pushed through and got A TON done on the 31st so I was really happy with myself. I even got a 98% on my first section. Now I am a little behind on my second but it is okay. I am taking a 5 day weekend this weekend to visit Tabitha in Vegas so I will do some catch-up out here.
  • I turned 29 last week and I do not know how I feel about it haha. It feels kind of old but not so different. I am excited to see where it takes me. Last year around the sun as a twenty-something.
  • I have hit my year mark of being single. It isn’t a bad thing, I made it through. I was actually surprised at how fast it went. I feel like I only really felt left out last month when we had a surprise party for Heather. It wasn’t anything bad and it was a super quick moment (I almost feel silly for writing about it), but when we got to dinner I obviously wanted to sit by Heather, as did everyone else, but everyone was coupled off so if I sat with her, someone’s significant other wouldn’t be at the table. So I ended up at the very end of the whole party with my two sisters, WHICH WAS FINE, but still there was a moment of me being like dang.
  • Blog stuff:
    • I have been working on having fun and trying new styles. Although I haven’t been blogging I have been active on Instagram so make sure you are following along! I just want it to be more fun. Not more of this stand and pose. I am generally a silly person and I want my feed to portray that.
    • I am revamping the Style Panel and I am excited to get started! I got my girls recommitted and am trying to do things a little different. Stay tuned, the first post should be coming next month!

I think that is all the updates I have, I know not too exciting right now, but some fun things are coming up I hope! Next month Heather and I are volunteering at the El Paseo Fashion week and I am so excited. We are still planning on some fun local adventures too. Just trying to go with the flow here and have some fun.

I miss you all! Back to studying I go -_-

XOXO- B

PS – this was the cute af coffee shop we went to last night called Gäbi Coffee

 

Bladies!!

If you follow me on Instagram, you have probably seen I have been rollerblading. Yes rollerblading! I am not even sure exactly how it came up but earlier this month Kristen, my fellow blader and I, went to our other friend’s, Theresa, son’s first birthday party. On our drive home we talked about rollerblading and before we knew it, the next day we were at Big 5 Sporting Goods buying blades! We had to go to two different Big 5s to find them and were so excited we immediately took them for a spin. There is a bike trail that goes through our city and through a couple neighboring ones. We parked at one of the entrances and took off! We were a little wobbly and flail-y but we did it and now that is all we want to do every day. I couldn’t believe how fun it was and is, I don’t remember it being so relaxing. The first night we went 3 miles and didn’t even realize it! I love that it is a workout but it doesn’t feel like one. Well sometimes, the father we go the more hills we find and realize our buns are burning on the way back up. Our last go we went 8.3 miles! Each time we try to go at least a little further. It is usually around 6-6:30 by the time we go. At that time it is getting cooler and the sun is setting. I have already said it but is really is so relaxing. Just getting outside in the fresh air, you cannot help but smile after being cooped up all day.

The coolest thing about it though, besides the workout and therapeutic qualities, is what it is starting. Kristen and I took a bunch of short videos on our Insta stories and I ended up making a video for IGTV (watch it here), and we both got a couple messages from other girls who want to join us! The next time we went we already had a new bladie! Holly had dug up her blades and came out with us. Now my older sister bought some (we just broke her’s in last night, she is a little shaky but will get back in the groove!), and two other girls want to buy some and join too! I feel like we really might be starting something here! We keep calling ourselves the bladies or babes on blades. I am going to be so excited if more babes start joining us. You just wait, soon there we be neighborhood complaints about the lady blade gang, it is going to be awesome!

I linked our blades below, it is crazy that Kris and I have already put 35.7 miles on these guys! They are much more comfortable than I remember as a kid, maybe because these ones, tie and buckle, not just buckle all the way up. I also linked my palm print workout outfit, they are new and I love them! If you are local to Rancho Cucamonga come join us! If not, seriously get some blades and start up where you are, you will love it!

Shop the look: Blades | Sports Bra | Leggings | Sunnies

img_7772

img_7340

img_7357

Feeling Behind

I know most have probably felt this way at some point in their lives or are feeling it right now, but I have really been battling the feeling of being behind. It all ties into that darn comparison trap. My older sister (year and a half older) is married, has a 5 (almost 6) year old, and is wanting to have another baby. My younger brother (year and a half younger) is married and they are expecting their first baby girl in February (SO EXCITED). My two little sisters are in serious relationships and will probably be engaged soon. Three of my five best friends are married and one of those three has a one year old son. Another best friend is engaged, and the fifth is in a serious relationship and will probably be engaged very soon. It is hard to think of how everyone you know is moving on with their lives and you feel like you are just stuck where you are.

The battle with this is I know I am not stuck, but I still get dragged down this hole of feeling like my life isn’t going like it is supposed to. I am not saying that all of this is because I do not have a boyfriend. I know a man does not determine my life. But it is more of my life isn’t going according to MY plan, yet everyone I know is. A breakup almost four years into a relationship was not part of my plan. Being single at 28 was not part of my plan. My plan was to be engaged right about now and planning a wedding. Instead I just work and talk about dates like nothing but inside I am terrified to go on one. Which leads me down another hole of thinking OMG I AM GOING TO BE ALONE FOREVER BECAUSE I WILL NEVER MEET SOMEONE. Then I think, well maybe I am meant to be the single one forever. Like how do you meet someone, or better yet, how do you meet someone when all of your friends are in relationships?

I have to remember that MY plan means nothing. This is all GOD’S plan. I am only here because of Him and my life will go according to His plan and His will, no one else’s. As much as I try to control everything or have very strong ideas about how things should go, they mean nothing to His plan. This has been a major time of practicing patience. It is ironic because last year two of my girlfriends and I were doing a bible study with the book Wait and See, and my whole season of waiting was for the next chapter of my life, to get engaged and get married (or so I thought). Little did I know that instead of getting proposed to by the man I thought I would marry, I would get dumped. I am still in that season of waiting however, the circumstances have changed. I know that in order for God’s plan to be fulfilled and to bring me together with the one I am supposed to be with, I had to be rid of the one I wasn’t meant to be with. It took awhile to be able to admit that, but I know God wouldn’t let us go through such pain without purpose. Thinking of it in a positive light, I am one step closer to finding my future husband BECAUSE things ended with who I thought I was meant to be with.

img_6792

Now the real waiting is happening. Before it was waiting and waiting for the wrong guy to propose which was never going to happen, but I thought I knew what was going to happen. Now the waiting is unknown. I know one day I will get married. My friend reminded me that God did not put us here to be alone. But WHO will I get married to one day? WHERE will I meet this man? WHEN will I meet this man? WILL I know when I meet this man? There are a lot of unanswered questions. In fact, all are unanswered questions. The only thing I know to be true is that I need to have patience and I need to trust in God.

Feeling behind is a constant struggle. I literally have to work on it every day or it can really get you down. It can make you not excited for people you love when they are getting what you want. I have had to consciously make an effort to be genuinely excited. Since time has passed that is easier. My excitement for my friends and my family who are getting married and having babies is real, but there is still the pain deep down of wondering when my time will be. I will keep practicing patience, it is all I can do. That, and trusting that He really does have an amazing plan and purpose for me. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future,” Jeremiah 29:11.03_1600x

Thoughts on Braces

I have had my braces for a month and a half now. Only sixteen and a half more months, but who is counting… When I got my braces I had all of these negative thoughts. I was so uncomfortable in them, they were and all I could feel, my lips hurt, and obviously my teeth were aching (and still do most days). They felt so prominent under my lips that I felt that was all people could see when they looked at me. From the feel of them I felt like I had crazy dinosaur teeth or something (I know I am weird). All I was thinking was that I looked like I was in junior high and how was I ever going to get a date? Who was going to want to go out with a brace face? I know, I was being so dramatic but that is how I felt. When I would inspect them in the mirror I would see they were not even half as obvious as they were in my head. I even had some people talking to me and then half way through say wow they didn’t even notice I had braces, and that was that. Like no big deal at all. I have been working on being chill about them. A lot of people had braces and I know a lot of adults get braces so I need to stop being so self conscious about them. I know the end result is going to be amazing.

Braces 1

Another thing about braces kind of made me laugh. I have had like three or four people ask me why I even got braces because my teeth were not bad before. I would say are you kidding?! Then proceed to point out all of the spots I was unhappy with, to which they would tell me I was crazy. I guess we really are way more critical of ourselves than others. We are definitely our own worst enemy sometimes. It felt nice to hear that people didn’t see my before teeth as bad because I have always been so self conscious about them.

They have for sure been a growing experience and I am getting used to them. Although, pretty much everyone told me when you get them tightened they only hurt again for like a day. Well I had my first tightening two weeks ago AND THEY HURT FOR THE ENTIRE WEEK AFTER. Eating has been a serious challenge. I do not like how it feels to eat with them and I am terrified to even talk or smile after I eat so I am always running to the bathroom to brush them. Now I can say that is my biggest fear if I ever go on a date, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO EAT? I guess I will figure that out if I ever even go on a date haha. I will keep you updated. Until then I will be working on not feeling like a nerd.

Braces 2

img_5429

4th of July and Things

Hey you all! It has been awhile (I feel like I have been starting every post off with that, but hey it is the truth). Everything has been so busy! I feel like I have had something almost every weekend until this weekend. Now I got to rest before having something for the next three weekends again.

I hope everyone had a great 4th of July! I had no plans until the day before, but I was able to go to Heather and her boyfriend’s friends BBQ and it was so fun! We hung out with good people, ate great food, played corn hole, and sported our red, white, and blue. Where they live is kind of on a hill so we had a good view of a ton of fire works.

Leading up to the 4th I had a project in mind. Ever since IGTV came out I’ve been really wanting to try and make a video. I planned out a 4th of July video and had my bfffff help me with it. I really wanted to do sparklers on the beach. I had my red bathing suit, she had her 4th of July tank, and I picked up sparklers from my dad’s, we were all set. We were kind of nervous about using the sparklers on the beach. Fireworks are only legal at Huntington Beach between 12-10pm on the 4th of July. Sooo we ended up chickening out, plus it was super windy, plus it was taking forever for the sun to set, plus we mostly chickened out haha. We ended up doing the sparklers a few days later by the pool so when you see the video pretend it is all in one day (go to my channel on Insta to see it!).

Okay so I am new to this video thing and really have no skills. I was so excited to finish it, I added a song, and once I posted it Intsagram blocked it because of the song! Is there a special way to put music on a video? I was trying to research and I read you have to find a non-copyrighted song so I guess that will be my next hunt. I may repost my video with a new song if I find a good one because I had to use the ones available on iMovie and it’s alright. Any tips would be greatly appreciated!

Anyways a couple other things, we had my sister’s surprise 30th birthday party last weekend on June 30th and I am so happy it is over! The party was really fun but throwing a surprise party is hard when you live with the person, ESPECIALLY when that person is my older sister (no offense). I am like 99% sure she knew about the party but oh well, it all worked out.

Lastly next weekend I am off to Vegas to spend the weekend with my little sister! We are going to do “kind of Vegas” so I ordered a “kind of Vegas” dress (hopefully it gets here on time!). When I say kind of Vegas I mean we are going to a pool at Fremont Street and maybe a couple other places but most likely not mainstream Vegas (unless it leads there). It will be fun! She also said I need to practice talking to boys… she said I have a “why are you talking to me face” that I need to work on (I type this rolling my eyes and probably making said “why are you talking to me face”). Excuse me that I am awkward and do not know how to talk to boys!

Well that is all for now, have a happy Monday and I hope your weekend was great!

Life Changes and Heartbreak

I think it is time to get a little real, okay a lot real. I think I am ready. The last four months have been nothing less than a roller coaster. Instagram as everyone knows, or should know, is not real life. It is real and the pictures and moments we share are real, but the good cannot exist in this life without the bad, and naturally we only choose to share the good. The past four months I have worked hard to keep up “good” and “fine” appearances on social media, but I was not fine. From a few subtle Instagram stories I shared, some may have noticed that I moved, but you may not know why.

Since I have moved out of my parents house four years ago, I have moved four times and I HATE MOVING. First I moved in with one of my best friends (you all know her, it was Heather!), the next year I moved in with my boyfriend, the next year he and I moved into a new apartment (hang on, let me rephrase that, I MOVED us to a new apartment while he was away at basic training), and a year and a half later, I just moved in with my sister and her family, without him.

About four months shy of four years and he ended it. This was exactly four months ago today. Even four months later I still can’t believe it sometimes. I understand why, but I don’t understand why. Why after almost four years can you not know if you EVER want to get married? How can you start a relationship so perfectly and as the years go on, lose how to be a boyfriend? Lose affection? Why couldn’t you try? Why didn’t you want to try? Why are you so convinced you cannot change?

So things ended and we lived together. Our lease doesn’t end until October and there is no way out unless he gets military orders. We were stuck. I had to come home and see the man who broke me every night. Eventually he started staying at a friends during the week and I would come home to sit in our apartment alone. I left almost every weekend for a distraction and so he could actually come home. Finally after a month, he offered to take over the lease and my sister and brother-in-law offered to let me move in. That was the hardest move I have ever done. How was I supposed to pack up my things and leave his behind? To remove any trace of me out of that apartment that we made our home? It took a lot to get the motivation to even start. I would go through waves of emotions while packing, devastation, frustration, anger, sobbing. Mostly I just packed through constant silent tears. I got it all done and started officially living with my sister in March. Driving away after giving him the keys made it real, I would not be seeing him again. It felt like a month long breakup, the slowest band aid in the world.

I understand why. You don’t know if you ever want to get married or have a family, but you know I do, and you don’t want to waste anymore of my time. I get it. I also get that I didn’t give you that feeling that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me. You didn’t love me like I loved you. These last four months have been the hardest for me. I have to drive by our old apartment twice a day and every time I am looking for your truck both terrified and longing to be even next to you on the freeway. I have never experienced such emptiness, brokenness, anxiety, and suffocation all at the same time. It was like someone was sitting on my chest and it was hard to breathe, and for hours every day I have to sit in my car with no one but my thoughts of you and how you don’t want me anymore. I think of how I wanted to be the one who changed you, to make you want to be better. But I guess you really can’t change people, only God can, and I still continue to pray for you every day. I still feel weird without you, like I am not quite myself. Sometimes I feel like I do not know how to carry on a conversation anymore because every story I want to tell has you in it. How am I just supposed to take you out of my life when I wanted you in it forever? How am I supposed to be normal at a family function when everyone is with their significant other and they all know mine left me? What do you say when all your friends say “the right guy will come,” and you just want to scream because you feel like the right guy just didn’t want you? Deep down you pray they are right, but you don’t even want to pray for the right guy because it feels wrong and you just want the old guy back. How am I supposed to breakup with your family that has become my family? I feel like I am the one that failed sometimes.

For the first time in a long time I feel like I have no control because my future is unknown, and it is an unsettling feeling that I hope turns to excitement eventually. It is often hard for me to let go, and when I say often I mean always. Life feels like it has completely turned upside down. I am so thankful to my sister and brother-in-law for letting me move in, but it is their home and not mine. I am a long term guest and I try so hard to not be in the way. For the first time I don’t feel like I have a real home, a place I can truly call mine. My days are spent in my car commuting and at work, if I am lucky I have 3 hours to do anything. My commute tripled and I now drive 46 miles one way. In order to get to work early enough to leave early enough to avoid as much traffic as I can, I have to leave for work by 5:15am and leave for home by 3:30pm. The drive in still takes at best an hour and ten minutes and the drive home averages an hour and a half to two. If I go to the gym I am not home until after 7 or 8pm. Trying to go to bed early has been a joke and waking up at 4:15am is next to impossible most days. Weeks of averaging five hours of sleep a night doesn’t work for me very well and doesn’t do any good for outrageous emotions.

Two weeks ago he picked up his dirt bike from my dad’s. That was the last lingering piece of him. I noticed after it was gone I felt a little lighter. Maybe I was anticipating him going to pick it up because I wanted to know what he would say to my dad and how he would act. It was like I was going to live vicariously through my dad to have one last connection with him. Now there is nothing left and I felt okay. I actually noticed I have been significantly better until I sat down to write this blog. You would think you only had so many tears to spare for one person, but no they come yet again. I do not regret our four years together despite everyone telling me they wished he hadn’t have wasted so much of my time. I was still in love, even if looking back now it may have been more one sided than I chose to believe. I know now I deserve better. I want someone that will hold my hand in private and in public, someone who will hug me every day like they mean it and will give me a good morning kiss, hello I am home from work kiss, I will be right back kiss, a good night kiss, and any other kiss in between. I want someone who will say I love you first and not just say it in response with no emotion. I want someone who isn’t afraid to post a picture with me and show everyone he knows that I am his. I want someone who isn’t afraid to pray and love God.

Every day I get stronger, and still some days seem like a step back. I can’t see a black Ford F150 without my heart fluttering, but last week I drove by the apartments and didn’t notice until I passed them. One day at a time, that is all I can give myself. I thank God every day for all of the friends and family He has put in my life to help get me through this. For the ones who know I don’t like to talk about these things but want me to know they are still thinking of me and praying for me even if they aren’t asking about it. I pray for him too, that God will change his heart and that one day he will find true happiness. One day at a time and eventually I will be there.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Proverbs 4:23

xoxo- B

Will Hike for Donuts

Hola amigas!

(Feeling SO inspired by my recent Google searches of Tulum, can you tell?). Have you ever wanted to really eat something yummy but felt like you needed to validate it? Well, you don’t! But we’ve all been there and I happened to be there Sunday. I was really craving a donut, but not just any donut, an artisanal donut from Grizzby’s in Claremont.
Steps to validating a sweet treat:
1. Invite a friend
2. Do something active to cancel it out
img_2491
So, I grabbed my friend Samantha and we headed for the Claremont Loop. This is a gorgeous hike and I definitely recommend bringing a friend or your dog and giving it a try! Now, this is an athleisure blog, so let’s keep it real… we only did half of the hike. Can you tell we were excited for our donuts? Either way, it was perfect for a Sunday afternoon and the clear skies made for a gorgeous view!
img_2493
Now let’s talk about those donuts, I ordered a Vanilla Crumb and Samantha ordered a Rosé Lemonade. They were so worth the calories that we obviously had already cancelled out! No regrets here!
img_2489
Next post I will be trying out some different brands, I’m thinking Show Me Your Mumu or AloYoga, decisions decisions!
Outfit details below!
Go treat yourself to a donut 🍩,
Kristen