Life Changes and Heartbreak

I think it is time to get a little real, okay a lot real. I think I am ready. The last four months have been nothing less than a roller coaster. Instagram as everyone knows, or should know, is not real life. It is real and the pictures and moments we share are real, but the good cannot exist in this life without the bad, and naturally we only choose to share the good. The past four months I have worked hard to keep up “good” and “fine” appearances on social media, but I was not fine. From a few subtle Instagram stories I shared, some may have noticed that I moved, but you may not know why.

Since I have moved out of my parents house four years ago, I have moved four times and I HATE MOVING. First I moved in with one of my best friends (you all know her, it was Heather!), the next year I moved in with my boyfriend, the next year he and I moved into a new apartment (hang on, let me rephrase that, I MOVED us to a new apartment while he was away at basic training), and a year and a half later, I just moved in with my sister and her family, without him.

About four months shy of four years and he ended it. This was exactly four months ago today. Even four months later I still can’t believe it sometimes. I understand why, but I don’t understand why. Why after almost four years can you not know if you EVER want to get married? How can you start a relationship so perfectly and as the years go on, lose how to be a boyfriend? Lose affection? Why couldn’t you try? Why didn’t you want to try? Why are you so convinced you cannot change?

So things ended and we lived together. Our lease doesn’t end until October and there is no way out unless he gets military orders. We were stuck. I had to come home and see the man who broke me every night. Eventually he started staying at a friends during the week and I would come home to sit in our apartment alone. I left almost every weekend for a distraction and so he could actually come home. Finally after a month, he offered to take over the lease and my sister and brother-in-law offered to let me move in. That was the hardest move I have ever done. How was I supposed to pack up my things and leave his behind? To remove any trace of me out of that apartment that we made our home? It took a lot to get the motivation to even start. I would go through waves of emotions while packing, devastation, frustration, anger, sobbing. Mostly I just packed through constant silent tears. I got it all done and started officially living with my sister in March. Driving away after giving him the keys made it real, I would not be seeing him again. It felt like a month long breakup, the slowest band aid in the world.

I understand why. You don’t know if you ever want to get married or have a family, but you know I do, and you don’t want to waste anymore of my time. I get it. I also get that I didn’t give you that feeling that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me. You didn’t love me like I loved you. These last four months have been the hardest for me. I have to drive by our old apartment twice a day and every time I am looking for your truck both terrified and longing to be even next to you on the freeway. I have never experienced such emptiness, brokenness, anxiety, and suffocation all at the same time. It was like someone was sitting on my chest and it was hard to breathe, and for hours every day I have to sit in my car with no one but my thoughts of you and how you don’t want me anymore. I think of how I wanted to be the one who changed you, to make you want to be better. But I guess you really can’t change people, only God can, and I still continue to pray for you every day. I still feel weird without you, like I am not quite myself. Sometimes I feel like I do not know how to carry on a conversation anymore because every story I want to tell has you in it. How am I just supposed to take you out of my life when I wanted you in it forever? How am I supposed to be normal at a family function when everyone is with their significant other and they all know mine left me? What do you say when all your friends say “the right guy will come,” and you just want to scream because you feel like the right guy just didn’t want you? Deep down you pray they are right, but you don’t even want to pray for the right guy because it feels wrong and you just want the old guy back. How am I supposed to breakup with your family that has become my family? I feel like I am the one that failed sometimes.

For the first time in a long time I feel like I have no control because my future is unknown, and it is an unsettling feeling that I hope turns to excitement eventually. It is often hard for me to let go, and when I say often I mean always. Life feels like it has completely turned upside down. I am so thankful to my sister and brother-in-law for letting me move in, but it is their home and not mine. I am a long term guest and I try so hard to not be in the way. For the first time I don’t feel like I have a real home, a place I can truly call mine. My days are spent in my car commuting and at work, if I am lucky I have 3 hours to do anything. My commute tripled and I now drive 46 miles one way. In order to get to work early enough to leave early enough to avoid as much traffic as I can, I have to leave for work by 5:15am and leave for home by 3:30pm. The drive in still takes at best an hour and ten minutes and the drive home averages an hour and a half to two. If I go to the gym I am not home until after 7 or 8pm. Trying to go to bed early has been a joke and waking up at 4:15am is next to impossible most days. Weeks of averaging five hours of sleep a night doesn’t work for me very well and doesn’t do any good for outrageous emotions.

Two weeks ago he picked up his dirt bike from my dad’s. That was the last lingering piece of him. I noticed after it was gone I felt a little lighter. Maybe I was anticipating him going to pick it up because I wanted to know what he would say to my dad and how he would act. It was like I was going to live vicariously through my dad to have one last connection with him. Now there is nothing left and I felt okay. I actually noticed I have been significantly better until I sat down to write this blog. You would think you only had so many tears to spare for one person, but no they come yet again. I do not regret our four years together despite everyone telling me they wished he hadn’t have wasted so much of my time. I was still in love, even if looking back now it may have been more one sided than I chose to believe. I know now I deserve better. I want someone that will hold my hand in private and in public, someone who will hug me every day like they mean it and will give me a good morning kiss, hello I am home from work kiss, I will be right back kiss, a good night kiss, and any other kiss in between. I want someone who will say I love you first and not just say it in response with no emotion. I want someone who isn’t afraid to post a picture with me and show everyone he knows that I am his. I want someone who isn’t afraid to pray and love God.

Every day I get stronger, and still some days seem like a step back. I can’t see a black Ford F150 without my heart fluttering, but last week I drove by the apartments and didn’t notice until I passed them. One day at a time, that is all I can give myself. I thank God every day for all of the friends and family He has put in my life to help get me through this. For the ones who know I don’t like to talk about these things but want me to know they are still thinking of me and praying for me even if they aren’t asking about it. I pray for him too, that God will change his heart and that one day he will find true happiness. One day at a time and eventually I will be there.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Proverbs 4:23

xoxo- B

Will Hike for Donuts

Hola amigas!

(Feeling SO inspired by my recent Google searches of Tulum, can you tell?). Have you ever wanted to really eat something yummy but felt like you needed to validate it? Well, you don’t! But we’ve all been there and I happened to be there Sunday. I was really craving a donut, but not just any donut, an artisanal donut from Grizzby’s in Claremont.
Steps to validating a sweet treat:
1. Invite a friend
2. Do something active to cancel it out
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So, I grabbed my friend Samantha and we headed for the Claremont Loop. This is a gorgeous hike and I definitely recommend bringing a friend or your dog and giving it a try! Now, this is an athleisure blog, so let’s keep it real… we only did half of the hike. Can you tell we were excited for our donuts? Either way, it was perfect for a Sunday afternoon and the clear skies made for a gorgeous view!
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Now let’s talk about those donuts, I ordered a Vanilla Crumb and Samantha ordered a Rosé Lemonade. They were so worth the calories that we obviously had already cancelled out! No regrets here!
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Next post I will be trying out some different brands, I’m thinking Show Me Your Mumu or AloYoga, decisions decisions!
Outfit details below!
Go treat yourself to a donut 🍩,
Kristen

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year! I hope everyone had a great and safe time. I know this post seems late, right? Well my “blogging new year” didn’t start until yesterday. Why? Well my coworker was in jury duty SINCE BEFORE THANKSGIVING! Isn’t that ridiculous?! So for the last two months I was trying to do my work while trying to cover her work, AND THEN my other coworker is on a three week vacation AANNDD THEN (I wish my font could get bigger there for emphasis) my manager went on vacation for a week. So yeah, I have worked late every day except one when I had to leave for a dentist appointment. That was the only day I saw a glimpse of the sun after work, not even the sun but a sunset. Anyways her first day back was yesterday and I was all pumped to hit the ground running this past weekend and I get the flu. THE FREAKING FLU! I spent all weekend in bed and even had to call off yesterday because I still didn’t feel right and I didn’t want to get my coworkers sick. Three out of the four of us share a small office, so close air is shared. I am feeling mostly better besides my throat which aches when I swallow and eat and I am getting a horrendous cough. So a great start off to the new year, but we keep on keeping on.

I am excited to get this year going but I feel nervous like it is already going to go by so fast, 2017 was like a blur! I think a big part of last year going so quick was the fact that I was counting down to my sister’s wedding events in April, May, and June so half of my year literally flew. Then the second half was recovering and then the holidays. This year I hope to just take one step at a time. I so far have no major plans. My sisters, BFFF, and I planned a one night Plan Springs getaway and I feel myself getting excited for that I am like dude, just chill. Apart from how fast it went, 2017 was a growing year for the.B.Law. I got more comfortable in my niche, grew immensely in followers, and even started collaborating. It gets me excited for 2018 to see what it will bring.

My resolutions the last couple years had great intentions but really were not ideal. I don’t always take into account how busy I am, then I set these goals that on paper with no clock work great, but when it comes down to it, I just don’t have time for everything no matter how hard I try. Then I am just left feeling disappointed instead of accomplished. If you remember my last resolutions they were like a list. This year I want to keep is simple. I want to actually get healthy inside and out. I know everyone always says that every year, and I do not mean a strict diet because I have never really done one of those and when you live with a boy it is kind of impossible… at least with my man-child. What I mean is I want to actually pay attention to what I am putting in my body and on my body. I want to always try and make the healthier choice when I can. I even got my favorite Starbs the other morning, a white chocolate mocha no whip (because why do I need to put 70 calories on top of my already a million?), with almond milk instead of the normal 2%. I mean it was different and not my favorite, but it is something I can get used to. I even bought vanilla almond milk creamer from the store. That one is pretty good I must say.

Brando got a juicer from his dad for Christmas and we have made a couple juices. They were not terrible but I did feel like I was drinking a salad. We will learn. But I think making the better choice will help make this not feel like something we need to do, but want to do and I am hoping it just changes into a lifestyle. I obviously need to get back to the gym too, but I bought a 21 day yoga pass for a nearby studio that I am super excited to get into. I feel like yoga could be my thing.

For skin I want to start reading labels and look at the ingredients for make up and skin care. I want to find better brands (the first one I already love is Pacifica!). I recently found a new one at Target called Love Beauty & Planet. I bought their lavender body wash and I am obsessed! But I will go more into products I have found at a later time. If you have any recommendations please let me know!

For the blog I want to work on consistency and content. I am guilty of just throwing a quick few words together about what I wore and posting it. I want to give you all more quality posts and I apologize for the more recent ones that have been lacking, you deserve better.

As I said I hope you all had a great new year and are ready to get going (or if you have been going this last week good for you! LOL!) So cheers to the new year! I think 2018 will be great!

3 Year Blogaversary

So I am totally late, my blogaversary was May 16th and to be honest, I was so busy that I missed it. I wanted to celebrate the event anyways though because it is a big deal. I am proud of myself for continuing this. It is no longer a hobby but a regular part of my life, and although there are weeks where I can’t get anything out, the blog is something that I think about and mentally plan every day. I love being able to instantly think of a blog post when I see an outfit that I like or a cool place to take pictures.


I am happy with the direction the.B.Law is growing. I have been trying to incorporate news things yet keep it consistent, so if you have any ideas for me I would love to hear them! I want to keep evolving and growing and seeing what works for me. The last year was great but my goal is to make each new year bigger and greater. Thank you all for your support and for continuing to follow me! XOXO

 

 

Hi, I Miss You.

Well hello there! How’s it going? I truly apologize for my absence, I’ve let the blog get away from me these last few weeks. Life has gotten so busy, I have literally had something every weekend and there is so much in those weekends that I want to share! Being part of a wedding is no joke, there is so much that goes into it. I am finally past the bridal shower and the bachelorette party (both were successes) and now all we have is the wedding trip, but still in-between these two weeks before we leave I have another wedding and a baby shower! Awwww I just want to be lazy all day and blog. Life was so crazy that I even forgot about my own blogaversary, we are 3 now!

I just wanted to let you know that I am still here. I have been doing most of my work lately on my Instagram so if you don’t follow me you should so we can stay in touch! Follow @the.B.Law. I also wanted to tell you about what I want to tell you about to hold myself accountable (did that sentence even make sense?). I will tell you in the normal Brittany fashion, in list form!… My bffffff and I have list issues, like SERIOUS issues. We makes lists for everything, then read them to each other. We even put on our to do list to make ANOTHER to do list… #freaks

Anyways, things that I want to fill you in on:

  • Bridal Shower
  • Bachelorette Party
  • 3rd Blogaversary
  • Bible Study
  • Vacation Packing (dreading by the way)
  • Catch up on style!

I think that is it… okay bye! Miss you!

Hanging Out in La La Land

I feel the need to express my shameless obsession and love for La La Land. I saw it a few weeks ago and have literally been living in my own “La La Land” ever since. After seeing the beautiful masterpiece I immediately purchased the soundtrack and have kid you not, listened to it at least one time through EVERY-DAY-SINCE. It just makes me happy. I even have to be careful when I am listening to it with my earphones at my desk at work because I catch myself trying to sing and dance, which may be frowned upon by my cubicle neighbors for my not so charming tone. But you know what? In my La La Land I have a fantastic voice so oh well!

This movie is just one of those that makes you feel like you too can achieve your dreams, and be fabulous doing it, and be so artsy that you had no idea your inner self was a cute hipster. It even made me want to go down to LA for fun and I HATE LA. Well I hate the traffic but who cares?! In La La Land people embrace traffic and use freeway overpasses as their stage! Totally realistic to walk away from your car on a stopped freeway overpass and dance with a stranger on top of another stranger’s car, like you totally won’t get beat up for that. The world is your oyster though right?! But like, am I right, because that truly is a strange saying, what does an oyster have to do with anything?

Well that is neither here nor there, the point is I saw La La Land and I now want to make my dreams come true. Positive vibes only! Who is with me?! Come and live in La La Land with me. We will accept happy people only, cranks can go live in an oyster or something because NOTHING is going to bring me down!

“It’s another day of sun!”

Practicing Patience

Lately I have really been realizing that I need to practice more patience. I seem to always be in a rush, even when I don’t have anywhere to be. For example, I was running a couple errands this afternoon and my last stop was Trader Joe’s. I got what I needed and was back in my car to go home, which is conveniently across the street. I backed out of my spot but couldn’t leave the aisle because this person pulled in on my side to swing in wide to a parking spot, which would have been fine except she was stopped and a guy was leaning in her passenger window talking to her and petting the dog in the front seat. I was instantly irritated because I couldn’t get out. I kept inching a little closer to make her get the picture that she needed to move. Finally she did and I drove by all frustrated just to wait in another line of cars being held up by someone else waiting to park. I was so angry, and then I thought, why am I so angry? The first lady who held me up was just being happy talking to a friend with her dog in the car. It is not like she was in my way on purpose, and the other car waiting to park, if I was waiting for a spot would I have not of done the same thing?

I have always been busy and always in a rush to get somewhere on time. All through college I worked multiple jobs and was involved in greek life, and if I wasn’t working I had to be at an event. Even in high school I had a job and was a part of two different teams. Now that I only work a full time job with a regular 8-5 schedule, it is like I do not know how to slow down. This is something that I really need to work on. How much energy have I wasted on just being angry for people moving too slow? From now on I want to practice patience. I feel like having patience is one step closer to finding happiness. Don’t get me wrong, I am a very patient person, I just lack patience with other people who move slow (if that makes sense and doesn’t make me sound like a total jerk). I need to slow down, enjoy the moments, and have patience.

Here is to a start, any tips or things that you do? Let me know!

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