I found this post in my drafts. I don’t even remember when I started it, but if I had to guess it was before my birthday in February. Let me tell you, turning 30 really messes with your mind 😅. I have settled in though now that it has been over a month. Read on and we will circle up at the end:
In the midst of “finding myself” recently and being pretty happy with where I am currently at, I have also been feeling fairly lost. It is strange to have such conflicting feelings. I feel like I have come such a long way in being content, that this lost feeling character rearing its head is throwing me off. It makes me question really how much I have grown or learned.
This may sound weird or maybe even narcissistic, but I often think I am hyper-self aware. I don’t know if those are even the right terms, but let me explain. I am aware when I am feeling some sort of way, mostly when it is a way I should not be feeling. For instance, I will be the first to admit when I am throwing my own pity party. I will literally laugh at myself, acknowledge that I am ridiculous, yet still hang out at this sad party for one. Countless times I am telling my sister “I feel like (insert feeling), I know that’s not true, but I just feel (insert feeling).” It is such circle that one can go round and round in. I don’t even let her talk! It is just me talking to myself with her listening, playing both sides of the conversation. I wonder if not having this self-awareness would make life easier. It would allow me to actually call my sister for good ole’ advice instead of just ranting and knowing deep down that I am just a nut. Now writing this, I don’t even know if that made sense but I hope it did.
ANYWAYS, I guess this is all to preface the fact that I have been feeling lost, but I know I am not, yet I am going to stay in this lost fog until I decide to pull myself out. So if you need me that is where I will be. This is a different feeling of lost though. It is more lost incognito. When I go somewhere I have never been, by myself, I hate looking lost and like I do not know what I am doing. Therefore I try really hard to act like I know what I am doing. That is what this feels like this time. A subtle war in myself of convincing everyone else I know what I am doing, but maybe I am just trying to convince myself. I don’t like appearing like I am not alright, so the front goes up.
I feel like I am in a sort of transition. Almost like the seasons changing, I am half bleh and half really happy.
That is where I ended that rant. The last line stuck out to me though today about feeling in transition and the seasons changing. Because I was absolutely right about that. At this current point in time, I am not feeling lost, I am feeling content, and dare I say… happy? Yes I said it, I am feeling genuinely happy, but not without reason. Something has happened since I originally started this post. Something you will hear about soon enough. So for now just know, we are doing okay 😊… 👇🏼 … 👀
I submitted this to Popsugar over a year ago and they didn’t publish it, so I might as well not let it go to waste. Read below to see my then and still struggle with the dating apps 🙃
(I actually have two others that haven’t been published, I am on a good streak with them… 0 published and 3 declined but who is counting? WE WILL NOT GIVE UP! But I will post the other two on here as well)
PS – I hope the title of this gets “Take a Chance on Me” by ABBA stuck in your head for three days. That is my gift to you if you get nothing else from this story. Okay now read:
Perhaps I have run out of eligible men that I already know that I would consider dating.
Take a Chance On Me, In Person – 10/30/18
I have had to come to a kind of surprising and possibly scary realization that never really mattered much until recently, where I have found myself 28 and single. The realization: I have never been on a real date. Now let me explain what I mean when I use the term “real date”. I have never been on a date with a guy that I did not previously know or was not already talking to. For example, I was in three long term relationships back to back. The first was a four and half year relationship which started in high school and ended in the middle of college. Our first date was on Valentine’s Day. He surprised me when I got off work and told me what restaurant we were going to, but that I had to drive because he was fifteen and did not have a license yet. It was romantic and innocent in the typical high school date fashion. My second long term boyfriend lasted around two years. Although I was in college, we knew each other from high school and used to help each other sneak into Spanish II late and undetected. Our first date was at Disneyland. My third and most recent long term relationship lasted just shy of four years. We were both two years out of college but kind of knew each other in college. Our first date was at Lazy Dog after weeks of texting. See the trend here?
I now find myself single and with no prospects. Perhaps I have run out of eligible men that I already know that I would consider dating. That leaves me with the great unknown dating world and to be honest, it terrifies me. I have so many questions and nerves. Where do you start? Where is a good place to meet good guys? How do you even talk to guys once you pry them out of their hiding spots? How do you know if they are psychos or not? My fears are never ending. I have noticed a pattern though. I have been single for 9 months now, so friends are starting to get curious if I am dating or ready to date yet. Almost every single one of them have asked, “Are you on the dating apps?” You know, all the free ones like Tinder, Bumble, Plenty of Fish, Coffee Meets Bagel, the list goes on and on. Even acquaintances and strangers, that is the first thing they ask when I say I am not seeing anyone. I immediately tell them, “No I am not online dating and I do not want to be part of that,” but now I am the curious one. Not curious to be on the apps, but whether or not the dating apps are the new norm for dating in today’s world?
I am starting to question if I have missed the entire era of good old fashion dating where you meet someone in person, feel a spark or some sort of interest, and the guy asks you out to dinner or drinks. Is this something that will only ever be remembered in movies and in tales of our parents telling us how it used to be in their day before evil technology took over the world? I have this burning urge to resist this new way, yet I am doing nothing to prove myself right. I keep telling myself that I want to give myself a chance on finding a date on my own before resulting to the dating apps. It is almost as if I have convinced myself that the apps are for giving up. They seem like the easy way out, letting them all come to you and weeding through the bad one liners.
What gets me the most confused is that in my head I have built up how against the dating apps I am, yet everyone who asks me if I am on them asks so with such normalcy. I cannot help but wonder if this is just what you do now. Not one friend or stranger that has asked me has done so with sarcastic tones or judgment in their voices. They have asked out of pure curiosity. I am the one pre-judging myself for even uttering or thinking the word “Tinder”. Yet again, I am not going out to try and find a date “the good old fashion way”. Instead I talk about it, make it sound like it could be fun, continue to dis the dating apps, and continue to not go out and meet people. At this rate I am going to die alone from sheer stubbornness all because I do not want to say I met my man online.
I am at a standstill, caught between hypocrisy and acceptance. Is there a right and wrong about the “correct” way to date, or is it more a battle of which is more effective rather than which is right? I know the pros to online dating, like not having enough time to “get out there” calls to me with all of my being, because who has the time to get ready and cast a line out there in anticipation that a good and (hopefully) attractive guy takes the bait? But as soon as I have a hint of wonder to download one of the apps, I think how much of a hypocrite I am being after badmouthing the act. I have come to the conclusion, to settle my mind on both sides, that I need to go out and give it a go at least once, evaluate the experience, and decide from there if I can handle it again, or if I want to take advantage of the apps as a tool and not a defeat. If this is the new norm, and everyone I talk to thinks it is normal to go on the apps, then maybe I am the one who is not normal and needs to get with the times.
Hi guys! Been a minute. I think I start every post off that way lately but whatever. I haven’t written in a while and that is okay. So, uh, what has happened since my last post? Well let’s see, happy new year, I still have braces, and oh yeah, I TURNED 30! Still unclear how I feel about it but due to the near mental breakdowns over the last two weeks, I’d say it is going swimmingly 🙃.
I don’t even know why it happened. It started the week of my birthday (my birthday was on a Friday) as I felt each hour passing over the death of my youth. Dramatic much? You don’t even know. But I was in a straight MOOD. I was not ready to let go of my twenties. In fact I have made the decision that I am not actually 30 until I get my braces off, but if we are talking technicalities here, I will humor you and we will say that I AM 30 right now. Anyways, 30 just seems so adult, and like me… I am not an adult. Adults have like spouses and/or kids and drama with their in-laws. Meanwhile I am over here single, yelling at Pilot Pete on The Bachelor to get rid of that crazy betch.
I don’t even know if this is classified as a meltdown, but I myself felt as if I was melting down. I was so grumpy and on the verge of tears. It was like the sky was falling and I couldn’t do anything to hold it up. But alas, Friday came and I turned 30 and I didn’t drop dead so I have that going for me. Two of my sisters and I tried to go to Emo Nite in LA on that night to celebrate the music of my youth and we didn’t get in so….. not sure what that means, but I got to smell what I can only assume was fresh urine on the steps leading us up to Sunset Blvd so we could walk into a bar to just sit and waste that last hour of parking we paid $25 for to go to a venue we couldn’t get into. BUT EVERYTHING IS FINE. *insert My Chemical Romance lyrics, “Trust me, I’M NOT OKAYYYY!”*
The day after the failed attempt at celebrating, we REALLY celebrated. We had a house party at my parents house for my birthday and it was SO FUN! We all got lit and played drinking games and I was completely hungover the next day.
Then came Monday (enter dark cloud stage left)… the start of the second meltdown. I had crippling anxiety ALL DAY. It was brought on by something so stupid and trivial and was a result of me overthinking like the psycho girl that I am, thinking that I ruined a situation THAT ISN’T EVEN A REAL SITUATION. I know I am being vague and cryptic, but all I can say is, know your place in a “non-relationship”. The anxiety lasted all day. I barely ate, all I wanted to do was crawl into a hole. This anxiety, although lessened, lasted all week. It was horrible. This week we are better. I still keep getting little waves of anxiety but small.
Is this 30? For the week that I have been 30 I can say that I am not impressed. Everyone says how great it is but I think they just tell you so you are less scared, or they are just excited you are about to join them in misery. Either or. Who me? Cynical? NEVER 😈.
This may have been a very confusing rant, but you know what? If this isn’t a representation of a melting down 30 year old then I do not know what is. Bring it on!
Do you utilize the notes app on your phone? I use mine constantly, especially when I do not have a pen and paper handy. I am a list maker. I THRIVE on lists. They get me going. So majority of my notes are lists. I also love that on the iPhone, you can invite other contacts and have collaborative notes… which I use for lists. Like Micaela (my sister) and I have a list of adventures we want to take in 2020, or we make packing lists together when we have events to go to.
The thing I am not great at is deleting my old notes. I was literally just scrolling through my notes looking for one in particular that I couldn’t find because I was too distracted by the smorgasbord of notes I have on this sucker. It is a mix of packing lists, Del Taco orders, and Instagram captions. LOOK AT THESE SCREENSHOTS!:
Packing list (from a concert in Sept… why on earth was a curling iron on there WHEN WE WERE DRY CAMPING?)
This sh*rt is bananas (an IG caption I was really excited about all because I bought a banana print shirt I have only worn once LOL)
MACHO BEEF BURRITO (a list that literally only had macho beef burrito, quesadilla, and soft taco because I was probably getting Del for the family and I apparently don’t have the memory capacity to remember those three items)
Britt’s Project X Research (this is slightly embarrassing but you know what?! This party will be off the chizzart!) ((okay I am cringing writing that but also I am here for it, and you better be there for it))
Feeling lucky?… (an IG caption I was real proud of FROM APRIL. Why is it still in there? Who knows)
Too much booty for one man to handle (I was trying to think of this song for so long, GOD KNOWS WHY, and then I remembered this line and had to write it down so I wouldn’t forget it again. OMG I am my father)
Lastly… (currently cringing even harder)… actual NOTES (aka pre written text messages)…. like my “break up” text to the last guy I was dating but we weren’t even official so is it really considered a break up? WHY DO I STILL HAVE THIS AWKWARD ASS NOTE ON MY PHONE?!
If someone scrolled through all of these my life would look like a mixture of Del Taco orders, caption ideas, wannabe emo quotes or thoughts to save for a rainy day, and break up texts / over thinking novel texts to boys who I am not really with. I have three pre-written messages to three different boys! WHO AM I? One was never going to allow himself to like me more than what we were. It was undeniably not a relationship, yet I was in denial that he actually liked me and that message was the straw that broke the camel’s back and brought the whole “ending” crashing down sooner than my delusional state was ready for. One was to a guy that was hinting hard he was into me and for reasons I cannot say, I had a message drafted just in case he didn’t understand the friend zone billboard I was throwing his way (thank God I never had to send that one), and the last was my “breakup text” because I was too much of a chicken to do it in person and also sought validation that a text was fine because we had only been dating about month and a half. MIND YOU let me add that his response, although agreeing that something was missing, ended with, “You are very pretty and have a great personality so I’m sure you’ll find a better match in no no time.” (insert clip from The Emperor’s New Groove):The most basic response! But hey I took it and ran.
Anyways, I have no idea where this post is going. I was just scrolling through all the weird notes and was inspired by my strangeness LOL. Please tell me I am not alone in all of these secret messages stored on my tiny little device. If you have anything remotely similar please do share, this is a safe place ;).
Other than the fact I need to clean up my phone, nothing new to report here. Oh wait here is something, MY DAD TOLD ME YESTERDAY I SHOULD TRY ONLINE DATING. I am dead. This is where I end because he is probably afraid I am actually going to die alone. But more on that later.
PS- like two days after he told me I should do online dating, I got spam mail from Silver Singles Online……. I AM NOT LOOKING FOR A SILVER FOX OMG LEAVE ME BE!
My teeth are something that I have been extra into over the last year. I didn’t have bad oral hygiene habits before, but I would say it was just average. I really didn’t floss that much and would mainly focus on making sure I brushed my teeth before bed and in the morning. After I got braces about a year ago, my teeth are on my mind literally all the time. I brush after every meal and even after some snacks depending on what it was. It is my worst fear for these braces, which are the clear brackets, to look gross. When Smile Brilliant reached out to me and asked if I wanted to work with them again, I felt like it was meant to be! I worked with them a couple years ago for their teeth whitening kit and they are so amazing and so nice. This time around I got the chance to try their new electric tooth brush, the CariPRO Ultrasonic, and let me tell you that it did not disappoint.
I haven’t used an electric toothbrush since I was young, and I can’t even remember what kind it was. All I remember was that my parents bought it for my siblings and I and it didn’t really excite me to brush my teeth. It was just basic and had one setting. When I received the CariPRO I was so excited to get started. It has five different settings so the first time I started off on the first setting “Clean”. I was so surprised at how much it tickled! That passed after a few uses but it was still funny. The CariPRO is timed which is awesome. Your whole brush session is two minutes, four increments of thirty seconds separated by short pauses. At the pause you know it is time to move to a different area of your teeth. I love this feature! This way I know that I am brushing my teeth long enough and well enough every time.
The second mode is “White”. This one sounds a bit more intense, you can hear the bristles moving faster and see the longer ones on the top and bottom are going back and forth very quickly. This mode is exciting because who doesn’t want help whitening their teeth? Especially if you’re trying to keep your braces white like me, or you are a coffee drinker… also like me. Using this toothbrush daily is supposed to help remove more surface stains and get your teeth up to two times whiter, um YES PLEASE!
The third mode is “Massage”. This mode has a significantly different sound, you can hear and feel it pulsing. Now the fourth mode, “Gum Care” has my favorite sound. I don’t even know if I can describe it, it is almost like it goes up and down kind of like an alarm. My six year old niece described it like an alien spaceship! Regardless of the sounds, both of these modes feel great on your teeth and gums. The last mode is “Sensitive”. I probably like this mode the most as I have really sensitive teeth and always have. This mode feels more gentle yet I know my teeth are still getting a good clean.
This brush is super easy to use. It has a power button and you can either use the arrow button below it to pick your mode before turning it on or you can switch through the modes while you have it on, that’s it, so simple. The charger is small, the brush just sits right on top and get this, it stays charged for thirty days! That is so awesome! This way if you go on vacation you don’t have to pack the charger with you. The basic, or “individual”, package also comes with an extra brush head so you and someone else in your house can both benefit, but you can also order additional heads or replacement heads without buying a whole new toothbrush (check out info on the brush heads here). I HIGHLY recommend this toothbrush. I feel like it has totally changed my teeth game and I am even more excited to use it when these braces are off. The feel of clean teeth is already amazing but they feel SO CLEAN after using this brush. I used my normal toothbrush the other night and it just wasn’t the same, I only want to use my CariPRO now.
I have two exciting announcements. One is that you can use promo code theblawtb20 to get 20% off your own CariPRO Ultrasonic electric toothbrush, and two is that WE ARE GIVING ONE AWAY! You heard that right! Click the giveaway link below and enter (super easy, just your first name and email) for a chance to win your own individual set (so one base and two brush heads). I promise you will love it and your teeth will too. Thank me later when you’re sporting your pearly whites!
Giveaway link here!
(I am also linking the frequently asked questions here in case you want to learn more!)
I am not quite sure why, but so often when I think of you, the image of you with crimped hair and your metallic silver Britney Spears and/or Christina Aguilera costume pops in my head. Just a fun fact 😉
I wanted to let you know how much I have been enjoying hanging out with you. I keep thinking about the one night we confessed to each other that we both thought neither one of us wanted to hang out with the other. I always thought I was too lame for you, and you thought you were too wild for me. Maybe we are actually just the perfect balance we both need.
I don’t think we really think about how much younger siblings can teach us. We as older sibs think it is all on us, but these last couple months, I am learning from you and I want you to know that. You have showed me that it is okay to get messy and let loose and I mean this in the best possible way. I have spent so much of my time striving for perfection. It gets to the point where I feel like I cannot do anything “out of line” without someone making it into some kind of deal. But these last couple months where we have just let loose, acted goofy, and have had fun, have been AMAZING! You are one of the few people I can be fully myself with with absolutely no judgements. I can tell you my craziest thoughts and you are there for it.
You are teaching me to stop apologizing because I am an overly apologetic person with no real reason to be. Multiple times you have told me, “don’t say sorry, you have done nothing wrong”. The pressure we can put on ourselves of right and wrong can be so overbearing, but you are reminding me to not be so judgmental of myself and my actions.
You are also teaching me to not care so much what others think, although I believe this is something we all struggle with. When we are together though, I think we are good at reminding each other that WHO CARES?
I want you to know how amazing you are. It is still weird to think I can go out and drink with you, but here we are, both adults. Know you have this confidence around you that I envy and I can feel when I am with you. It radiates around you and is infectious. I strive to be even an ounce as confident as you are when we are together. You walk proudly up, are not afraid to talk to people, or to take chances. I hope to be like you one day.
Also know you have grown into such a beautiful woman. I often look at our current photos together and am just amazed. Not amazed that you are beautiful, we all knew you would grow into a breathtaking woman, but to have that memory of your cute crimped hair to you now it’s just like damn, look at her.
Last thing to know, you are so loving. I can see all the love you have to give. From your selflessness you give to your friends, to the love for your family, your special bond with me and the sisters, and the love you have for your man. I can see the way you look at him, yearn for him, and take care of him. You’re so full of love, don’t ever lose that, and know you are deserving of the exact same love from everyone you give it to.
None of us are perfect. We strive to be, but we are only human. It is okay to make mistakes and to also give ourselves a break from the tiresome journey to be constantly put together. I love being “messy” with you. I say messy in quotes because we are not messy, but when we let loose, it is some of my favorite times. To be genuinely us. To quote Spongebob Squarepants in a bar, even if dad scolds me that I will never find a man doing that. To drinking in the parking lot at the bar and then walking a mile to the other bar just to save a few bucks. To dishing out bean and cheese burritos at 3 in the morning and then crying into them because of how hungry we were and the thankful thoughts that these burritos may actually save our lives. To being hyperaware of where we both were at all times at Stagecoach because we can’t stand the thought of something happening to one of us. You are still my baby sister and I have this mama bear urge to protect you always.
You are one of my best friends and I love you so much, and I am so sorry for ever making you feel like I didn’t want to be around you. I will always be here for you, remember that. Just as you don’t judge me, I am not here to judge you. I will always listen and try to give advice when I can, admit when I can’t, or even just be there to be silent with. I’ve got you always. Everything happens for a reason and in God’s time, and there has to be one for why He wanted us close now. All I know is I never want to let this go.
Well hello there! It has been so long. I know I am late, I was supposed to do my first post on my birthday last week buuuuuut we still don’t have internet in the new house. So here is just a quick little life update!
If you don’t remember, when I last logged off we were packing and getting ready to move. We are all in the new house BUT unpacking is almost as bad as packing so there is stuff EVERYWHERE! It doesn’t help when you are super busy either. Slowly but surely we will get everything away.
So here we go:
My reason for taking a month-ish off from the blog was to finish some studying I am working on. I wanted to finish my first section by the end of January and let me tell you, I almost didn’t make it. I was just about to give myself a one day grace period (that I was really upset about) but I somehow pushed through and got A TON done on the 31st so I was really happy with myself. I even got a 98% on my first section. Now I am a little behind on my second but it is okay. I am taking a 5 day weekend this weekend to visit Tabitha in Vegas so I will do some catch-up out here.
I turned 29 last week and I do not know how I feel about it haha. It feels kind of old but not so different. I am excited to see where it takes me. Last year around the sun as a twenty-something.
I have hit my year mark of being single. It isn’t a bad thing, I made it through. I was actually surprised at how fast it went. I feel like I only really felt left out last month when we had a surprise party for Heather. It wasn’t anything bad and it was a super quick moment (I almost feel silly for writing about it), but when we got to dinner I obviously wanted to sit by Heather, as did everyone else, but everyone was coupled off so if I sat with her, someone’s significant other wouldn’t be at the table. So I ended up at the very end of the whole party with my two sisters, WHICH WAS FINE, but still there was a moment of me being like dang.
I have been working on having fun and trying new styles. Although I haven’t been blogging I have been active on Instagram so make sure you are following along! I just want it to be more fun. Not more of this stand and pose. I am generally a silly person and I want my feed to portray that.
I am revamping the Style Panel and I am excited to get started! I got my girls recommitted and am trying to do things a little different. Stay tuned, the first post should be coming next month!
I think that is all the updates I have, I know not too exciting right now, but some fun things are coming up I hope! Next month Heather and I are volunteering at the El Paseo Fashion week and I am so excited. We are still planning on some fun local adventures too. Just trying to go with the flow here and have some fun.
I miss you all! Back to studying I go -_-
PS – this was the cute af coffee shop we went to last night called Gäbi Coffee
This year, I think I will just use “goals” in place of “resolutions”. After all they are goals, plus my resolutions the last couple years have not been completed so maybe they need some new juju.
So here we are, my goals for 2019:
Finish my course (which I will tell you about after I finish it)! This is my number one. It is so important I am even giving myself a time frame! End of March I need to have all three books read. HOLD ME TO IT!
Buy new car in maybe the summer?? Since my commute has tripled I have over 120k miles on my barely five year old car. There is nothing wrong with it, but I want to trade it in before it is literally worth nothing. Plus I would rather have a new car with a warranty than worry about a car with a million miles start to break down. Personal preference here. Plus I have had a car payment for forever so why not keep it going right? lol (also now I get to work local two days a week and I carpool at least once so I would be putting less miles on a new car)
Move out in the fall/winter. This is a huge goal which will totally depend on current circumstances at the time. If all goes as planned I will move out. I trust God will guide me to what I am meant to do and where I am meant to be. If it is not time for me yet, then that is okay. (You guys I literally daydream about decorating my own apartment all the time. It is going to be the cutest!)
Okay these next few aren’t giant goals like above but still important to me. I want to create more and better content for my blog and Instagram. I don’t want it to just be for cute outfits (don’t worry, there will ALWAYS be cute outfits), but I want this to be my space to be creative and be me. I think I have already started to tap into that this year with more personal posts, but I want to continue and grow with that. Also Tab and I have a ton of fun ideas for content.
This is basically the second part of goal 4. Not necessarily trying to put a number and pressure on it, but I want to get to 5k Instagram followers by the end of the year. For some of you that is chump change, but that will be almost double my current following and I think that is a good number to grow to (obviously the more the merrier).
Kind of another branch off of 4. I really want to go to places, like travel to places, but I am not in the position to do that right now which is okay. I decided I want to try and do as many “local” travels as I can. Places I can drive to if anything. I have already started a list with Tab. Some places include: Venice Beach (BECAUSE I HAVE NEVER BEEN), Joshua Tree (which us girls BETTA BE GOIN TO in March), the sand dunes in Death Valley, the Neon Museum in Vegas, and more! I know some of these might seem silly to some, but I am super excited about it! I would love to plan at least one “travel” a month but we will see how it goes. Please let me know any suggestions!
Aside from the blog, I have had a book idea for a few years now. I have planned some and have even started a chapter. It has now developed into a series and I am so excited!! My goal this year is to fully plan out the three books (using notecards as suggested by Tab who’s friend does it).
Second part of goal 7, I want to write ten chapters of the series. These can be chapters from any book, I just need to finish ten. The reason I can write from any book is because each chapter is a different story and as long as I plan it all first I will have the chronological order.
This year has come to a close so quickly. I thought this year would go by slower because we weren’t counting down to anything. Last year my sister was getting married so I had her bridal shower in April, her bachelorette party in May, and in June we all went to Mexico for a week for the wedding. Best vacation I have ever been on, I still miss it and think about it constantly. But all of those exciting things made half of the year go by so fast. Then when fall hits, the holidays follow closely behind and boom it is a new year. I thought since we had no big events to countdown to this year, it would go by slower. I was so wrong. I think this year may have been even faster than last.
It is no secret that my 2018 started off terribly. For those who don’t know, to put it shortly, I got dumped in the end of January (the 28th to be precise because I am a psycho girl and remember everything) and I lived with the guy. By March I moved in with my sister and I have been here since. It was a rough transition. It was a rough time of my life in general. Losing someone because they CHOSE to not choose you anymore is a whole different kind of hurt. Hours I spent in my car (not by choice, but the move tripled my commute) thinking of all the ways I went wrong or what I should have done differently, or how he just didn’t want ME or how maybe I wasn’t good enough (if you want the raw feelings of those days read this post from May). To see me now from where I was then, I have grown a lot. Some days are still bad but in different ways, I am still growing and learning. I have since learned and realized that what we had was not what I wanted, but what I hoped would change into what I wanted. I have learned that I should not have to make excuses for the emotion that was lacking, or the needs that were not being met. I have realized how much I actually need simple signs of affection and am deserving of that. I am coming to find out that it is okay to be picky and to be myself because I want someone who wants all parts of me (including the weirdo and including the psycho).
Something I have probably suffered from most this year was comparing myself to my friends and family and feeling left out because I am the only single one now. What is funny though is that this is all me because no one has left me out for being single (maybe that is one of this biggest things I have learned this year, that I am literally my own worst enemy and the biggest critic in the whole dang world). My friends still all include me of course, and nothing is really different except that I don’t have a date to things. But it is not like all my friends are the types of PDA couples who are all lovey dovey all of the time. I am so thankful that Heather’s boyfriend has just grown accustomed to me being their third wheel LOL! They even call their spare bedroom my room (you guys are da best and I love being your roomie/extra date 😉 ). I just need to work on feeling confident with where I am in life right now.
It was hard to go from where I was, to being single and renting a room from my sister because I can’t afford to live in the same city, let alone county, as my job (I am also letting my age play a huge factor in my expectations which is just silly but yeah). I would have to constantly remind myself that this was not permanent, it was just my current situation that I was working through. Not that I was embarrassed by it, but I felt like I had taken so many steps back. So far back that I was living back in the town I had left. But no one has judged me for it. Most people understand because California is so freaking expensive to live in alone. But since moving, I have come to terms with my current situation and I am okay. I know there is nothing wrong with it, and I get to live with my sister, who is one of my best friends, and get to be here while my niece is young and get to watch her grow and be a role model for her. Things could be worse, but they aren’t. I am with family and I am safe.
Now for some good things (sorry, I didn’t expect this to be a novel but I guess it is going to be). I hadn’t been single for a long time span IN A LONG TIME. After getting over the whole bad part about it, I started getting excited about the good. I had and still have no one to answer to. If I want to go do something I can do it, and I do! I wanted to focus more on my stuff, like this blog, and I have, AND IT SHOWS. All of my friends have told me what a difference they have seen in my work and content, and just being creative in general. I do this because I love it and I want to make something out of it. Having some real focus and time has made a world of difference (plus he-who-must-not-be-named didn’t really support my blog and thought it was dumb *GASP!*). [sidebar: it still amazes me how we can finally be at a point where we recognize all of the bad things and the red flags we ignored yet still miss them sometimes. Is it them we miss or just the time and the “comfort”?]
I don’t know how many times I just left for the weekend and went to Palm Springs to be with Heather. Or the three or more times I went to Vegas to visit my sister Tab, or the random times I call up Cher and ask her to hang out because it literally takes two minutes to drive to her house. I have freedom to be me right now and I am really starting to enjoy it. I cannot wait to really take advantage of it next year. 2018 was all about healing and learning. I think 2019 will be about learning and experiencing. I am ready to have fun, have adventures, learn and grow. What I am most excited about is all of this exciting stuff and tying it to my blog. It is all Tab and I have been able to talk about, all of the new things we want to do in 2019 writing and content creating wise. Which is why you may think it is funny that I am so excited for my blog in 2019 and I am taking the entire month of January off *insert puzzled face*.
I will still be around on Instagram, and using my captions as a form of writing and keeping you up to date, but I need a month to focus on something completely different. There is some studying for a course I need to get done that I have had for some months now, but I always choose to blog instead of study because obviously that is way more fun. I have three books I need to get through and I am not even half way through the first. My goal is to finish the first book by the end of January (or earlier if possible), then I will hopefully be in such a studying groove that I can bring back blogging in February and still finish the second book by the end of Feb, then finish the third by March (I will tell you what I am doing once I am done haha). I am thinking I will come back to the blog on my birthday, Feb. 7th, since that is kind of like my new year, right? Plus once I have this studying complete I will have even more time to focus on the blog.
Okay I will end here since this is getting lengthy, I hope you have made it this far! I am excited for tonight. I have NEVER been this excited for a new year but I am ready to take it on. I will post my resolutions/goals for the new year tomorrow and then I am out for the month! If I end up doing really well with studying maybe I will reward myself with a post, but let’s be honest, this stuff is boring so I don’t see rewards in my future. But here is to wishful thinking and no sleep!
Happy New Year’s Eve everyone! Be safe and talk to you next year!
It is crazy how one off day can throw off your entire week. Sundays are my blog day, or at least have become my blog day. This is when I plan my week, write blogs, plan and draft Instagram posts, the whole shebang. The Sunday after Thanksgiving though we drove home from Arizona and when we got home I was so tired from the weekend I promptly fell asleep and did no planning, thus resulting in NOT A SINGLE BLOG POST LAST WEEK. It is too hard to play catch up during the week, I wasn’t even that great on Instagram. That single day caused me to have no motivation all week which is bad considering how good I have been with planning (at least for me). Fast forward to yesterday, I barely had time to plan again! I went out Saturday night for my friend’s boyfriend’s birthday and I didn’t even get home until 3am so of course I slept in and wasted half my day. I am trying really hard to snap back into it and re-motivate myself, especially with the year coming to a close. I will not fall back into bad habits! So here is to a new week, let us make it a good one and drink all of the coffee!