The Season has Changed

I found this post in my drafts. I don’t even remember when I started it, but if I had to guess it was before my birthday in February. Let me tell you, turning 30 really messes with your mind 😅. I have settled in though now that it has been over a month. Read on and we will circle up at the end:

In the midst of “finding myself” recently and being pretty happy with where I am currently at, I have also been feeling fairly lost. It is strange to have such conflicting feelings. I feel like I have come such a long way in being content, that this lost feeling character rearing its head is throwing me off. It makes me question really how much I have grown or learned.

This may sound weird or maybe even narcissistic, but I often think I am hyper-self aware. I don’t know if those are even the right terms, but let me explain. I am aware when I am feeling some sort of way, mostly when it is a way I should not be feeling. For instance, I will be the first to admit when I am throwing my own pity party. I will literally laugh at myself, acknowledge that I am ridiculous, yet still hang out at this sad party for one. Countless times I am telling my sister “I feel like (insert feeling), I know that’s not true, but I just feel (insert feeling).” It is such circle that one can go round and round in. I don’t even let her talk! It is just me talking to myself with her listening, playing both sides of the conversation.  I wonder if not having this self-awareness would make life easier. It would allow me to actually call my sister for good ole’ advice instead of just ranting and knowing deep down that I am just a nut. Now writing this, I don’t even know if that made sense but I hope it did.

ANYWAYS, I guess this is all to preface the fact that I have been feeling lost, but I know I am not, yet I am going to stay in this lost fog until I decide to pull myself out. So if you need me that is where I will be. This is a different feeling of lost though. It is more lost incognito. When I go somewhere I have never been, by myself, I hate looking lost and like I do not know what I am doing. Therefore I try really hard to act like I know what I am doing. That is what this feels like this time. A subtle war in myself of convincing everyone else I know what I am doing, but maybe I am just trying to convince myself. I don’t like appearing like I am not alright, so the front goes up.

I feel like I am in a sort of transition. Almost like the seasons changing, I am half bleh and half really happy.

That is where I ended that rant. The last line stuck out to me though today about feeling in transition and the seasons changing. Because I was absolutely right about that. At this current point in time, I am not feeling lost, I am feeling content, and dare I say… happy? Yes I said it, I am feeling genuinely happy, but not without reason. Something has happened since I originally started this post. Something you will hear about soon enough. So for now just know, we are doing okay 😊… 👇🏼 … 👀

my cheeks should be burnt from the amount of times youve made me blush.

 

Trendy Cases with CaseApp!

WE INTERRUPT THIS CURRENT STATE OF CORONAVIRUS PANIC FOR THIS IMPORTANT SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT!

If you are like me, you like to accessorize with all aspects of your life. I won’t pick a phone case because it is practical. Being honest, if it is not cute, I am not going to buy it. Phones are something that have become a huge part of our lives. If it is something that is going to be on me almost 24/7, then I want it to reflect me and my personal style and I think that is okay!

I got the chance to partner with CaseApp and oh my goodness they have such cute cases! Also their selection is HUGE! Do you know how long it took me to decide on which one I liked best? A long time, I had like 8 in my cart 😅. But that is a good thing! I feel like so often at the phone store we settle for the cutest one we can find in that moment because we NEED a phone case when we buy a new phone. Well with CaseApp, you have the chance to get the one you love (or even customize one!).

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I think the thing I like the most though, is that you can choose between a “slim” case or a “tough” case, as well as matte or glossy. I am a clumsy person and drop things alll the time, so obviously I chose tough.

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If you are in the market for a new case I highly recommend CaseApp! Use my code THEBLAW20 for 20% off your order. I think I may end up starting a collection now and have a case for every occasion! These really make me want summer… if this rain ever ends.

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Okay back to your regularly scheduled programming, BYE!

Take a Chance On Me, In Person

I submitted this to Popsugar over a year ago and they didn’t publish it, so I might as well not let it go to waste. Read below to see my then and still struggle with the dating apps 🙃

(I actually have two others that haven’t been published, I am on a good streak with them… 0 published and 3 declined but who is counting? WE WILL NOT GIVE UP! But I will post the other two on here as well)

PS – I hope the title of this gets “Take a Chance on Me” by ABBA stuck in your head for three days. That is my gift to you if you get nothing else from this story. Okay now read:

Perhaps I have run out of eligible men that I already know that I would consider dating.

Take a Chance On Me, In Person – 10/30/18

I have had to come to a kind of surprising and possibly scary realization that never really mattered much until recently, where I have found myself 28 and single. The realization: I have never been on a real date. Now let me explain what I mean when I use the term “real date”. I have never been on a date with a guy that I did not previously know or was not already talking to. For example, I was in three long term relationships back to back. The first was a four and half year relationship which started in high school and ended in the middle of college. Our first date was on Valentine’s Day. He surprised me when I got off work and told me what restaurant we were going to, but that I had to drive because he was fifteen and did not have a license yet. It was romantic and innocent in the typical high school date fashion. My second long term boyfriend lasted around two years. Although I was in college, we knew each other from high school and used to help each other sneak into Spanish II late and undetected. Our first date was at Disneyland. My third and most recent long term relationship lasted just shy of four years. We were both two years out of college but kind of knew each other in college. Our first date was at Lazy Dog after weeks of texting. See the trend here?

I now find myself single and with no prospects. Perhaps I have run out of eligible men that I already know that I would consider dating. That leaves me with the great unknown dating world and to be honest, it terrifies me. I have so many questions and nerves. Where do you start? Where is a good place to meet good guys? How do you even talk to guys once you pry them out of their hiding spots? How do you know if they are psychos or not? My fears are never ending. I have noticed a pattern though. I have been single for 9 months now, so friends are starting to get curious if I am dating or ready to date yet. Almost every single one of them have asked, “Are you on the dating apps?” You know, all the free ones like Tinder, Bumble, Plenty of Fish, Coffee Meets Bagel, the list goes on and on. Even acquaintances and strangers, that is the first thing they ask when I say I am not seeing anyone. I immediately tell them, “No I am not online dating and I do not want to be part of that,” but now I am the curious one. Not curious to be on the apps, but whether or not the dating apps are the new norm for dating in today’s world?

I am starting to question if I have missed the entire era of good old fashion dating where you meet someone in person, feel a spark or some sort of interest, and the guy asks you out to dinner or drinks. Is this something that will only ever be remembered in movies and in tales of our parents telling us how it used to be in their day before evil technology took over the world? I have this burning urge to resist this new way, yet I am doing nothing to prove myself right. I keep telling myself that I want to give myself a chance on finding a date on my own before resulting to the dating apps. It is almost as if I have convinced myself that the apps are for giving up. They seem like the easy way out, letting them all come to you and weeding through the bad one liners.

What gets me the most confused is that in my head I have built up how against the dating apps I am, yet everyone who asks me if I am on them asks so with such normalcy. I cannot help but wonder if this is just what you do now. Not one friend or stranger that has asked me has done so with sarcastic tones or judgment in their voices. They have asked out of pure curiosity. I am the one pre-judging myself for even uttering or thinking the word “Tinder”. Yet again, I am not going out to try and find a date “the good old fashion way”. Instead I talk about it, make it sound like it could be fun, continue to dis the dating apps, and continue to not go out and meet people. At this rate I am going to die alone from sheer stubbornness all because I do not want to say I met my man online.

I am at a standstill, caught between hypocrisy and acceptance. Is there a right and wrong about the “correct” way to date, or is it more a battle of which is more effective rather than which is right? I know the pros to online dating, like not having enough time to “get out there” calls to me with all of my being, because who has the time to get ready and cast a line out there in anticipation that a good and (hopefully) attractive guy takes the bait? But as soon as I have a hint of wonder to download one of the apps, I think how much of a hypocrite I am being after badmouthing the act. I have come to the conclusion, to settle my mind on both sides, that I need to go out and give it a go at least once, evaluate the experience, and decide from there if I can handle it again, or if I want to take advantage of the apps as a tool and not a defeat. If this is the new norm, and everyone I talk to thinks it is normal to go on the apps, then maybe I am the one who is not normal and needs to get with the times.

30…

Hi guys! Been a minute. I think I start every post off that way lately but whatever. I haven’t written in a while and that is okay. So, uh, what has happened since my last post?  Well let’s see, happy new year, I still have braces, and oh yeah, I TURNED 30! Still unclear how I feel about it but due to the near mental breakdowns over the last two weeks, I’d say it is going swimmingly 🙃.

I don’t even know why it happened. It started the week of my birthday (my birthday was on a Friday) as I felt each hour passing over the death of my youth. Dramatic much? You don’t even know. But I was in a straight MOOD. I was not ready to let go of my twenties. In fact I have made the decision that I am not actually 30 until I get my braces off, but if we are talking technicalities here, I will humor you and we will say that I AM 30 right now. Anyways, 30 just seems so adult, and like me… I am not an adult. Adults have like spouses and/or kids and drama with their in-laws. Meanwhile I am over here single, yelling at Pilot Pete on The Bachelor to get rid of that crazy betch.

I don’t even know if this is classified as a meltdown, but I myself felt as if I was melting down. I was so grumpy and on the verge of tears. It was like the sky was falling and I couldn’t do anything to hold it up. But alas, Friday came and I turned 30 and I didn’t drop dead so I have that going for me. Two of my sisters and I tried to go to Emo Nite in LA on that night to celebrate the music of my youth and we didn’t get in so….. not sure what that means, but I got to smell what I can only assume was fresh urine on the steps leading us up to Sunset Blvd so we could walk into a bar to just sit and waste that last hour of parking we paid $25 for to go to a venue we couldn’t get into. BUT EVERYTHING IS FINE. *insert My Chemical Romance lyrics, “Trust me, I’M NOT OKAYYYY!”*

The day after the failed attempt at celebrating, we REALLY celebrated. We had a house party at my parents house for my birthday and it was SO FUN! We all got lit and played drinking games and I was completely hungover the next day.

Then came Monday (enter dark cloud stage left)… the start of the second meltdown. I had crippling anxiety ALL DAY. It was brought on by something so stupid and trivial and was a result of me overthinking like the psycho girl that I am, thinking that I ruined a situation THAT ISN’T EVEN A REAL SITUATION. I know I am being vague and cryptic, but all I can say is, know your place in a “non-relationship”. The anxiety lasted all day. I barely ate, all I wanted to do was crawl into a hole. This anxiety, although lessened, lasted all week. It was horrible. This week we are better. I still keep getting little waves of anxiety but small.

Is this 30? For the week that I have been 30 I can say that I am not impressed. Everyone says how great it is but I think they just tell you so you are less scared, or they are just excited you are about to join them in misery. Either or. Who me? Cynical? NEVER 😈.

This may have been a very confusing rant, but you know what? If this isn’t a representation of a melting down 30 year old then I do not know what is. Bring it on!

Little Notes

Do you utilize the notes app on your phone? I use mine constantly, especially when I do not have a pen and paper handy. I am a list maker. I THRIVE on lists. They get me going. So majority of my notes are lists. I also love that on the iPhone, you can invite other contacts and have collaborative notes… which I use for lists. Like Micaela (my sister) and I have a list of adventures we want to take in 2020, or we make packing lists together when we have events to go to.

The thing I am not great at is deleting my old notes. I was literally just scrolling through my notes looking for one in particular that I couldn’t find because I was too distracted by the smorgasbord of notes I have on this sucker. It is a mix of packing lists, Del Taco orders, and Instagram captions. LOOK AT THESE SCREENSHOTS!:

Packing list (from a concert in Sept… why on earth was a curling iron on there WHEN WE WERE DRY CAMPING?)

  • This sh*rt is bananas (an IG caption I was really excited about all because I bought a banana print shirt I have only worn once LOL)
  • MACHO BEEF BURRITO (a list that literally only had macho beef burrito, quesadilla, and soft taco because I was probably getting Del for the family and I apparently don’t have the memory capacity to remember those three items)
  • Britt’s Project X Research (this is slightly embarrassing but you know what?! This party will be off the chizzart!) ((okay I am cringing writing that but also I am here for it, and you better be there for it))
  • Feeling lucky?… (an IG caption I was real proud of FROM APRIL. Why is it still in there? Who knows)
  • Too much booty for one man to handle (I was trying to think of this song for so long, GOD KNOWS WHY, and then I remembered this line and had to write it down so I wouldn’t forget it again. OMG I am my father)
  • Lastly… (currently cringing even harder)… actual NOTES (aka pre written text messages)…. like my “break up” text to the last guy I was dating but we weren’t even official so is it really considered a break up? WHY DO I STILL HAVE THIS AWKWARD ASS NOTE ON MY PHONE?!

If someone scrolled through all of these my life would look like a mixture of Del Taco orders, caption ideas, wannabe emo quotes or thoughts to save for a rainy day, and break up texts / over thinking novel texts to boys who I am not really with. I have three pre-written messages to three different boys! WHO AM I? One was never going to allow himself to like me more than what we were. It was undeniably not a relationship, yet I was in denial that he actually liked me and that message was the straw that broke the camel’s back and brought the whole “ending” crashing down sooner than my delusional state was ready for. One was to a guy that was hinting hard he was into me and for reasons I cannot say, I had a message drafted just in case he didn’t understand the friend zone billboard I was throwing his way (thank God I never had to send that one), and the last was my “breakup text” because I was too much of a chicken to do it in person and also sought validation that a text was fine because we had only been dating about month and a half. MIND YOU let me add that his response, although agreeing that something was missing, ended with, “You are very pretty and have a great personality so I’m sure you’ll find a better match in no no time.” (insert clip from The Emperor’s New Groove): great-personality_emperors-new-grooveThe most basic response! But hey I took it and ran.

Anyways, I have no idea where this post is going. I was just scrolling through all the weird notes and was inspired by my strangeness LOL. Please tell me I am not alone in all of these secret messages stored on my tiny little device. If you have anything remotely similar please do share, this is a safe place ;).

Other than the fact I need to clean up my phone, nothing new to report here. Oh wait here is something, MY DAD TOLD ME YESTERDAY I SHOULD TRY ONLINE DATING. I am dead. This is where I end because he is probably afraid I am actually going to die alone. But more on that later.

Byeeeeee!

PS- like two days after he told me I should do online dating, I got spam mail from Silver Singles Online……. I AM NOT LOOKING FOR A SILVER FOX OMG LEAVE ME BE!

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LA Fashion and Sad Noodles

I don’t know if it is something in the air or not, but lately (actually more last week when I started writing this) I have been a sad noodle. I didn’t know what that fabulous phrase was until my little sister told me she was a sad noodle and continued to explain she meant meh, like in a funk. Then my other little sister said she was feeling meh so I graced her vocabulary with sad noodle. Now the three of us are sad noodles together, because being a sad noodle is at least better with other sad noodles. Okay I think I have said sad noodle enough times for you to want to use it too. 

I am not entirely sure why I have been meh, but I think I might have an idea. I came to the realization the other day that I’m not in a state of feeling left out, but a constant state of feeling left behind. This all circles back to the comparison trap. So many of my friends and people I know are moving on with their lives, getting married, buying houses, while I am doing none of the above. WHICH IS OKAY. I have to remind myself I am not them. It is just something that gets you down every now and then you know? This week I feel much more neutral about the whole thing. I have noticed the sad noodle phase comes after a really fun weekend when the high is gone. I think I will go into this more later when I can gather my thoughts better.

ANYWAYS it has been so long since I have done a style post. I find myself missing it. Maybe that is something that will help get me out of this bowl of sad noods, actually writing for fun again. My girlfriend Maria and I went to LA a few weeks ago to just be general basics and it was so fun! I made sure I made an “LA style” outfit. By that I mean something I’d want to wear but am not brave enough to wear just around anywhere. I feel like LA is where you can try any fashion out and literally no one cares. 

So I put together what I thought was kind of dressy and kind of edgy (I really dig these kinds of looks right now). I paired my leopard midi-dress under a tied up graphic tee and white booties. I was strangely excited to wear this outfit, it was totally out of my norm and I relished in it. It made me remember how much I love dressing up and making new looks. I am really hoping to create some actual content soon, thank you for being patient with me. 

Until then, enjoy the look and find the links below! The top is older so I am linking a few other graphic tees (I am OBSESSED with graphic tees right now who am I?!) 

Outfit linked here: Leopard Dress | Tee Alternative #1, #2, #3 | Boots (similar) | Purse (similar) | Sunnies

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Ep. 2: The Rodeo

Sooooo episode two comin at ya good and late… I got behind and it just snowballed and blah blah. Anywho, LET’S GO!

Norco has a rodeo, or what they call “Horse Week”, because why wouldn’t they? They are Horse Town USA. So of course Micaela and I wanted in. Opening night and she, her friend Michaela, and I were going, and then going to the Water Wheel after because it was Friday and that is what we do. We drive up to the rodeo parking and we are like oooo Micaela go to that guy, he is cute. So Mic tries to head to his line and the older guy in the front stops us and directs us, “Here ladies go that way, go to that goofy guy.” We giggle and go, oh well. We tell the goofy guy the front guy called him goofy. He just put his head down and shook it and we all laughed and then he gave us free parking *hair flip*.

We sit in the stands and watch, nothing too exciting. After about an hour and a half we decide to call it because it was getting cold and windy and we wanted to go have some fun at the Water Wheel. So we leave (somewhere on the way to the car, we tried a shortcut requiring a fence hop which lead us to a dead end and we had to walk back and go BACK over the fence in shame…) and head to our normal back parking spot at the Water Wheel. Now that we were going to dance, this required an outfit change naturally. We put on our shorts, and the three of us decide to pound three White Claws back to back, you know, to jumpstart our buzz (mistake #1).

100% buzzed, we decide to go in. We walk through the doors and are so surprised. We had never seen it this poppin! Our favorite bar tender was there, Megan Fox (real name I can’t remember because we only ever referred to her as Megan Fox), so the girls decide they want a shot… a pickle pack GAG! I said I will take a shot with them but of something else. Megan Fox asked what I wanted and I said something pink and sweet. She comes back with a shot SO LARGE it was probably close to three shots. She looked at me and said sorry, she got excited I was actually drinking and went a little overboard. Bottoms up! We take the shots (mistake #2).

Almost immediately after turning away from taking our shots, some guy pops up and kind of word vomit asks/yells “CAN I BUY YOU A DRINK?” I said uh sure and we settled on a cranberry vodka (mistake #3). We drink and talk and he says something about the class he is taking in college… poor kid that YOU’RE JUST A KID. Mic and I have to go to the bathroom and we tell him we will be right back. Coming back out we accidentally on purpose didn’t find him again. Sorry it was crowded (and that was going no where). We do a few line dances that we think we nailed but who actually knows because by this point we are 100% drunk. Eventually we (I) start talking to this guy. He was cute and nice. When he introduced us to his friend we just stared at him and then it clicked for all three of us girls at once. We basically all shout “YOU’RE THE GOOFY GUY!” He just put his head down again and said yes. Then in my head it clicks that I am talking to the cute guy I wanted us to go to in line for parking. So turns out, I got to talk to the cute guy after all.

If memory serves me right, I think the cute guy bought me another cranberry vodka (mistake #4). Most details after this are not so clear, but we hung out in a group. Then suddenly, I just remember spilling my water, like THE ENTIRE CUP all over Mic and I… I wasn’t even sure how it happened. I just stared at her in disbelief and we both laughed so hard. The cute guy (which earned the nick name “Horse Dad”) asked if I wanted another water and got me one (the next day I asked Mic how I spilled my water and she said she thinks I was trying to shimmy. TRYING TO SHIMMY PEOPLE, only TRYING. I wanted to die in a hole).

The girls and I suddenly have this great idea that we should all go to Mavericks. Horse Dad and I exchange numbers so “we could find each other” when we get there. Us girls call an Uber and they were going to drive to meet us there. As soon as we get in the Uber we are like no, go home, we are done. So I text Horse Dad that Mavericks was a no go, sorry but we have to go home. It took everything in us to not fall asleep in the Uber. I don’t even remember what happened when we got home, we just all put on pjs and got into bed. The night went downhill so fast we don’t even recall how. All I know is I don’t think we made it at Water Wheel for very long (yet another night we didn’t make it until closing).

Before this night, I had agreed to watch our niece the next morning. Our older sister was leaving early so I had to leave by 6:30am to be home by 7am. In my drunken state I remembered to set my alarm and I hiked myself to my car at the butt crack of dawn sporting my pink pjs, high top vans, denim jacket, and sunglasses. It really should be a fashion look. I had a RAGING hanging over and somehow made it all the way home. Of course my niece is already awake and I ask her if she wanted to watch a movie in auntie’s bed which of course she did. She watched, I slept and slowly died. I also had a meeting later with a girl I advise. I had her meet us at a McDonalds so my niece could play while we chatted. After she left I sat in an effing McDonald’s play place FOR AN HOUR letting my niece play all while I had a RAGING HANGOVER FROM HELL BECAUSE I AM A GOOD AUNT.

Meanwhile across town, Mic and Mich too had raging hangovers given by the devil himself which made Mic an hour late to her hair appointment with our older sister. BUT EVERYTHING WAS FINE.

Okay, story behind horse dad. He told me in the bar that he had a kid, which is cool, and cool that he told me up front. But I am not really looking to date someone with a kid. This might sound shallow but at this moment it is not what I want (if someone rolls along and it is meant to be and he has a kid then we will see when/if that happens, but that night, it wasn’t). But he told me he had a kid and I still gave him my number in my drunken state so that kind of made it seem like I was okay with it. I figured there would be no harm with hanging out and seeing how it goes, but we didn’t live near each other and life was busy because we were getting ready for Stagecoach so it just fizzled out.

So that is the dad part of the code name. The horse part is funny. He texted me saying it was so nice outside, he wished he was riding instead of at work. I responded with riding bicycles? Dirt bikes? He responds with a picture of him riding a horse, which is apparently his. I realized this guy thinks I am into horses. Probably because he met me in Norco, knows I went to the rodeo, and was wearing cowgirl boots to the bar? He was trying to impress me. Little did he know, but found out, I think riding horses is terrifying haha.

Welp, there goes episode two. There isn’t even any video evidence of this night because of how quickly things just rolled downhill. It was fun, the hangover hurt like hell, and now it is a nice little story.

Stay tuned for the next episode! I am not sure which one it will be yet, but I will pick one!

Episode 2 will be on IGTV tomorrow! Look out for it!