The Season has Changed

I found this post in my drafts. I don’t even remember when I started it, but if I had to guess it was before my birthday in February. Let me tell you, turning 30 really messes with your mind 😅. I have settled in though now that it has been over a month. Read on and we will circle up at the end:

In the midst of “finding myself” recently and being pretty happy with where I am currently at, I have also been feeling fairly lost. It is strange to have such conflicting feelings. I feel like I have come such a long way in being content, that this lost feeling character rearing its head is throwing me off. It makes me question really how much I have grown or learned.

This may sound weird or maybe even narcissistic, but I often think I am hyper-self aware. I don’t know if those are even the right terms, but let me explain. I am aware when I am feeling some sort of way, mostly when it is a way I should not be feeling. For instance, I will be the first to admit when I am throwing my own pity party. I will literally laugh at myself, acknowledge that I am ridiculous, yet still hang out at this sad party for one. Countless times I am telling my sister “I feel like (insert feeling), I know that’s not true, but I just feel (insert feeling).” It is such circle that one can go round and round in. I don’t even let her talk! It is just me talking to myself with her listening, playing both sides of the conversation.  I wonder if not having this self-awareness would make life easier. It would allow me to actually call my sister for good ole’ advice instead of just ranting and knowing deep down that I am just a nut. Now writing this, I don’t even know if that made sense but I hope it did.

ANYWAYS, I guess this is all to preface the fact that I have been feeling lost, but I know I am not, yet I am going to stay in this lost fog until I decide to pull myself out. So if you need me that is where I will be. This is a different feeling of lost though. It is more lost incognito. When I go somewhere I have never been, by myself, I hate looking lost and like I do not know what I am doing. Therefore I try really hard to act like I know what I am doing. That is what this feels like this time. A subtle war in myself of convincing everyone else I know what I am doing, but maybe I am just trying to convince myself. I don’t like appearing like I am not alright, so the front goes up.

I feel like I am in a sort of transition. Almost like the seasons changing, I am half bleh and half really happy.

That is where I ended that rant. The last line stuck out to me though today about feeling in transition and the seasons changing. Because I was absolutely right about that. At this current point in time, I am not feeling lost, I am feeling content, and dare I say… happy? Yes I said it, I am feeling genuinely happy, but not without reason. Something has happened since I originally started this post. Something you will hear about soon enough. So for now just know, we are doing okay 😊… 👇🏼 … 👀

my cheeks should be burnt from the amount of times youve made me blush.

 

Chase Me Gosh Darn-It!

**Disclaimer: this post might just be a ramble, but it is the start to a new series of posts. So yeah read on!

I feel like every time I write a new blog I want to start it off like, “Hey! It’s been awhile…”. Obviously it has been awhile, let’s not kid ourselves. I have not been writing so let’s just skip that part and be real haha.

So hi! I know this is supposed to be a style blog or whatever, but I’ve got some feelings and shit. How come even though you want to be effing chased, you allow guys to have it easy and don’t make it hard to chase you? Am I that starved for attention that I am willing to accept in the moment affection that won’t last? AM I JUST STUPID?! I am starting to think that is the issue…

Question: what is more dumb? Being actually stupid and not realizing what the consequences of your actions might be, OR being smart enough to know the consequences and choosing to do that action anyways?

This question came up after choices I made that I most definitely knew the consequences of, but tried to convince myself otherwise (it may have also been the alcohol convincing me otherwise). This story will potentially get shared in time, but regardless, a valid question I am pondering.

Being in the dating world is tough, like more than just trying to actually find a man who will give you the time of day. But once one actually does, you have so many things to decipher. Maybe I just overthink everything, but I have quickly come to realize that I do not know how to date. I do not know the rules, I do not know the games, I do not know how to play it cool, I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I AM DOING.

Don’t get me wrong, I am having fun. Micaela, my sister that you are going to hear much more about, and I go out often and we ALWAYS have a great time. I have met a few people, and maybe one will stick, but it is scary to have hopes about any of it. We say we have hopes of having hopes. I am in this place where it feels like eventually they all choose someone else anyways. So as much fun as we have, it is hard sometimes to be home on a Sunday night after all the fun is over and still feel somewhat alone, but I am working on it.

I am not really sure where this post is going, but I have decided I want to write more about mine and Mic’s adventures and being in the dating realm. The Tragic Girls are essentially back but in a whole new light ;). Get ready for some fun and tragic stories (and lots of code names)!