I found this post in my drafts. I don’t even remember when I started it, but if I had to guess it was before my birthday in February. Let me tell you, turning 30 really messes with your mind 😅. I have settled in though now that it has been over a month. Read on and we will circle up at the end:
In the midst of “finding myself” recently and being pretty happy with where I am currently at, I have also been feeling fairly lost. It is strange to have such conflicting feelings. I feel like I have come such a long way in being content, that this lost feeling character rearing its head is throwing me off. It makes me question really how much I have grown or learned.
This may sound weird or maybe even narcissistic, but I often think I am hyper-self aware. I don’t know if those are even the right terms, but let me explain. I am aware when I am feeling some sort of way, mostly when it is a way I should not be feeling. For instance, I will be the first to admit when I am throwing my own pity party. I will literally laugh at myself, acknowledge that I am ridiculous, yet still hang out at this sad party for one. Countless times I am telling my sister “I feel like (insert feeling), I know that’s not true, but I just feel (insert feeling).” It is such circle that one can go round and round in. I don’t even let her talk! It is just me talking to myself with her listening, playing both sides of the conversation. I wonder if not having this self-awareness would make life easier. It would allow me to actually call my sister for good ole’ advice instead of just ranting and knowing deep down that I am just a nut. Now writing this, I don’t even know if that made sense but I hope it did.
ANYWAYS, I guess this is all to preface the fact that I have been feeling lost, but I know I am not, yet I am going to stay in this lost fog until I decide to pull myself out. So if you need me that is where I will be. This is a different feeling of lost though. It is more lost incognito. When I go somewhere I have never been, by myself, I hate looking lost and like I do not know what I am doing. Therefore I try really hard to act like I know what I am doing. That is what this feels like this time. A subtle war in myself of convincing everyone else I know what I am doing, but maybe I am just trying to convince myself. I don’t like appearing like I am not alright, so the front goes up.
I feel like I am in a sort of transition. Almost like the seasons changing, I am half bleh and half really happy.
That is where I ended that rant. The last line stuck out to me though today about feeling in transition and the seasons changing. Because I was absolutely right about that. At this current point in time, I am not feeling lost, I am feeling content, and dare I say… happy? Yes I said it, I am feeling genuinely happy, but not without reason. Something has happened since I originally started this post. Something you will hear about soon enough. So for now just know, we are doing okay 😊… 👇🏼 … 👀