The Road to Idiocy

Driving home from work this evening had me irrationally angry. I suppose I may have brought this on myself when I agreed that I could handle a 40 mile commute each way for a year. It is what it is, some days are better than others, although the better days are rare. Today I left work excited because I left 15 minutes earlier than normal. In doing so I assumed that traffic would be a little better. I. Was. Wrong. Leaving early actually made my drive longer! Traffic was freaking terrible. If everyone knew how to merge lanes, which seems like a simple enough task, then traffic probably wouldn’t exist. In my opinion the causes of traffic can be narrowed down to two things, lookie-loos (you know the people who have to slow down to see a car that is stalled because it is so interesting) and people who cannot merge. What do both of these have in common? They are all idiots. What makes it worse is their idiocy is contagious. You can be the best driver surrounded by idiots and suddenly you’re starting to make mistakes. This happened to me today, they had me driving like them with the slamming on the breaks action so much that I was making myself car sick, yeah that is how talented I am, I can make myself car sick.

All I wanted to do was get home. Actually what I really wanted to to was get to Trader Joe’s so I could buy me some cheese because what better way to drown your traffic sorrows but in cheesy goodness? (By the way I got Manchego  and it is delicious). But instead of being able to get my cheese and be home quickly I had to be stuck in a sea of red lights yelling at the person in front of me. All I could think about was getting my cheese and how I wanted to be home and take my boots off because my feet were so hot in them (gross I know). I told you, irrationally angry. The kind of angry that only traffic can make you, the kind that even makes you mad at the radio for playing commercials, so you angrily change the station or just shut it off all together. Finally a good song came on, “Before He Cheats” by Carrie Underwood. It was perfect for the moment, I changed the words as follows: “Maybe next time they’ll think before they cutmeoffagain”. After this song I felt a little better. I just have to remember that I should have no rush trying to get home since it’s going to take me forever anyways, so why stress?

Anyways, thanks guys for letting me vent. Don’t worry I ate my cheese, I am now content under a fuzzy purple blanket on the couch. Good night!

Domino of Wrongs 

You know how when something goes wrong, it causes everything after to go wrong too? This happened to me the other day. I was supposed to meet my friends for dinner, but I had to drop something off at my other friend’s first. Well of course I left work a little late. When I got in my car I realized that I forgot I needed gas. This was the wrong that started it all. I didn’t really have time to get gas, but I was pretty sure that I would make it. 

I got to my friend’s and it turned out she wasn’t home. Now I just wasted a little gas that I needed. It was okay though, I should be able to make it still. I looked up the fastest way to make it to dinner which was side streets rather than the freeway. Taking these side streets took me through the straight ghetto. To add to this, I also had to drive with no air on to save gas and it was like 95 degrees still. 

I finally get to the downtown area where we were having dinner, but my bottom line on my fuel gauge was now blinking. Blinking equals bad. In my distracted nervousness of running out of gas, mostly because my AAA card is currently expired because I haven’t been able to pay to renew it but that is a different story, I made an illegal right turn. I was wondering what that divider in the street was for. Turns out you have to be on the right side of it to turn right, oops. Now a little frazzled from my illegal right turn, I turned left from a stop sign towards the restaurant, and ran the stop sign after the turn because you literally have to turn and immediately stop again. 

I was thinking to myself get it together Britt! So I took a breath and kept driving. I saw a parking spot on the left but of course you had to be driving down the street to get it, not up. So at the stop sign I quickly assessed that you can’t successfully make a U turn without humiliating yourself, so I made a left to go around the block in hopes that the spot might still be available when I got down there. I went all the way around and saw one spot open but further up. I knew the other one was closer so I passed that one up to try and get the closer spot. I get there and it’s still available! I just thought how was it still available?! I start to pull in and realized it’s 20 minute parking. That’s why. Since I passed up the only open spot I had to go even further on the whole other side of the downtown and park in the structure, STILL with my gas light blinking. But I eventually made it to dinner. What can I say, when it rains, it pours right? Tragic. 

Caution- Bitchy When Hungry

How a hungry and frustrating drive goes for my Roomie and I. This pretty much sums up Saturday. 

 Me: What the hell, why is there traffic?

Roomie: Because idiots don’t know how to drive. 

Me: Ugh I hate Idiots. 

Roomie: They are the worst. 

Me: Oh my gosh look at that sign! The onramp for the 15 south is closed!

Roomie: No wonder there is traffic.

Me: Well what do we do now?

Roomie: I’ll check my phone for another way… Okay get off on the next exit and turn left.

Me: Okay… Oh my gosh why is this person driving so slow? GET OUT OF THE WAY! Okay now where?

Roomie: Left on Ontario.

Me: Okay cool.

Roomie: What’s this idiot doing?! 

Me: What a douche! 

Roomie: Seriously what is today?

Me: AWWWWW!

Roomie: OH MY GOD YOU EFFING IDIOT! GET YOUR GHETTO ASS OUT OF HERE?

Me: Why did he even think he could make that? People are so duuuuumb!

Roomie: Stupid.

Me: We are literally going to catch every red light. The party starts in 15 minutes. 

Roomie: There better be alcohol. 

Me: We need mimosas. MOVE!

Roomie: Oh look, another light. 

Me: Of course. I mean why would we get there on time? We’d rather drive around with all of these ass holes… “Details of your incompetence do not interest me.”

Roomie: “So I said to myself go ahead, take a chance, hire the smart, fat girl.”

Me: We need to watch that movie soon.

Roomie: Yeah we do.

Me: Seriously we are so close to the freeway! Why can’t we get there?!

Roomie: Because of this stupid ass Explorer in front of us. 

Me: I can’t even get around him! We are never going to make it!

Roomie: I just want that drink. 

Me: At least we look good. 

Roomie: Hell yeah we do!

Me: As long as we are the best dressed there then it’s all good. 

Roomie: We will be, we always are. 

Me: And we better win the hat competition because we don’t lose. 

Roomie: Oh we will, just look at our hats!

Me: True, very “hand me a mimosa” looking.

Roomie: Oh my gosh the freeway!

Me: ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME?! WE ARE THIS CLOSE TO THE FREEWAY AND WE ARE STUCK AT A LIGHT?!

Roomie: GOOOOOO!

Me: Oh great, now we are stuck in the intersection because this douche won’t move up.

Roomie: Eww don’t honk at us!

Me: Move along people nothing to see.

Roomie: Finally the freeway! 

Me: Woooo we are moving now! 

Roomie: Why are there red lights up there? 

Me: Ughhhh more traffic?

Roomie: Is this a sign we shouldn’t go?

Me: NO! I bought a $30 dress for this shit, we are going!

Roomie: I think you need to get off soon. 

Me: Okay then I should get out of the carpool lane. Seriously? I put my blinker on before the opening and this lady is speeding up.

Roomie: Bitch. 

Me: Like really ,I can’t get out she won’t move. Great now I missed the opening. No don’t flip her off! Get your hand over here!

Roomie: I don’t give a shit!

Me: Thank god there is another opening. We are almost there!

Roomie: How many lights will we get stuck at this time?

Me: Good going, now we are stuck at one. 

Roomie: Look at this idiot trying to be cool in his Honda.

Me: Lame. What the hell I wasn’t even trying to race you. 

Roomie: Okay turn here. 

Me: Hopefully we can just sneak in. We have to park all the way up here. 

Roomie: Let’s just get inside. 

Me: Oh look there are the girls. Hey! She was just here, where did she go?

Roomie: Hey I’m back I got us mimosas. 

Me: Awwwww.

 

A New Level of Tragic

I made a dead animal deader! You wouldn’t think it was possible but I did it! I was driving home tonight and the car in front of me instead of swerving around the animal like a normal person, they went over it so it went through the middle of their tires, leaving me no time to swerve, so I hit it! I am a horrible person! I keep referring to the animal as “it” because I don’t even want to admit what it was, either a dog or a coyote, I’ve convinced myself that it was a coyote, which is still awful. I was so scared to get home and look at the front of my car. What if I had a crime scene up there?! Oh my gosh! Luckily there was nothing, but still, I HIT AN ANIMAL. The poor guy couldn’t be dead in peace, noo it had to be hit again for good measure.

I win the tragic award this time.

This is what my sister had to say, and yes I call her Noodle…
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