This year has come to a close so quickly. I thought this year would go by slower because we weren’t counting down to anything. Last year my sister was getting married so I had her bridal shower in April, her bachelorette party in May, and in June we all went to Mexico for a week for the wedding. Best vacation I have ever been on, I still miss it and think about it constantly. But all of those exciting things made half of the year go by so fast. Then when fall hits, the holidays follow closely behind and boom it is a new year. I thought since we had no big events to countdown to this year, it would go by slower. I was so wrong. I think this year may have been even faster than last.
It is no secret that my 2018 started off terribly. For those who don’t know, to put it shortly, I got dumped in the end of January (the 28th to be precise because I am a psycho girl and remember everything) and I lived with the guy. By March I moved in with my sister and I have been here since. It was a rough transition. It was a rough time of my life in general. Losing someone because they CHOSE to not choose you anymore is a whole different kind of hurt. Hours I spent in my car (not by choice, but the move tripled my commute) thinking of all the ways I went wrong or what I should have done differently, or how he just didn’t want ME or how maybe I wasn’t good enough (if you want the raw feelings of those days read this post from May). To see me now from where I was then, I have grown a lot. Some days are still bad but in different ways, I am still growing and learning. I have since learned and realized that what we had was not what I wanted, but what I hoped would change into what I wanted. I have learned that I should not have to make excuses for the emotion that was lacking, or the needs that were not being met. I have realized how much I actually need simple signs of affection and am deserving of that. I am coming to find out that it is okay to be picky and to be myself because I want someone who wants all parts of me (including the weirdo and including the psycho).
Something I have probably suffered from most this year was comparing myself to my friends and family and feeling left out because I am the only single one now. What is funny though is that this is all me because no one has left me out for being single (maybe that is one of this biggest things I have learned this year, that I am literally my own worst enemy and the biggest critic in the whole dang world). My friends still all include me of course, and nothing is really different except that I don’t have a date to things. But it is not like all my friends are the types of PDA couples who are all lovey dovey all of the time. I am so thankful that Heather’s boyfriend has just grown accustomed to me being their third wheel LOL! They even call their spare bedroom my room (you guys are da best and I love being your roomie/extra date 😉 ). I just need to work on feeling confident with where I am in life right now.
It was hard to go from where I was, to being single and renting a room from my sister because I can’t afford to live in the same city, let alone county, as my job (I am also letting my age play a huge factor in my expectations which is just silly but yeah). I would have to constantly remind myself that this was not permanent, it was just my current situation that I was working through. Not that I was embarrassed by it, but I felt like I had taken so many steps back. So far back that I was living back in the town I had left. But no one has judged me for it. Most people understand because California is so freaking expensive to live in alone. But since moving, I have come to terms with my current situation and I am okay. I know there is nothing wrong with it, and I get to live with my sister, who is one of my best friends, and get to be here while my niece is young and get to watch her grow and be a role model for her. Things could be worse, but they aren’t. I am with family and I am safe.
Now for some good things (sorry, I didn’t expect this to be a novel but I guess it is going to be). I hadn’t been single for a long time span IN A LONG TIME. After getting over the whole bad part about it, I started getting excited about the good. I had and still have no one to answer to. If I want to go do something I can do it, and I do! I wanted to focus more on my stuff, like this blog, and I have, AND IT SHOWS. All of my friends have told me what a difference they have seen in my work and content, and just being creative in general. I do this because I love it and I want to make something out of it. Having some real focus and time has made a world of difference (plus he-who-must-not-be-named didn’t really support my blog and thought it was dumb *GASP!*). [sidebar: it still amazes me how we can finally be at a point where we recognize all of the bad things and the red flags we ignored yet still miss them sometimes. Is it them we miss or just the time and the “comfort”?]
I don’t know how many times I just left for the weekend and went to Palm Springs to be with Heather. Or the three or more times I went to Vegas to visit my sister Tab, or the random times I call up Cher and ask her to hang out because it literally takes two minutes to drive to her house. I have freedom to be me right now and I am really starting to enjoy it. I cannot wait to really take advantage of it next year. 2018 was all about healing and learning. I think 2019 will be about learning and experiencing. I am ready to have fun, have adventures, learn and grow. What I am most excited about is all of this exciting stuff and tying it to my blog. It is all Tab and I have been able to talk about, all of the new things we want to do in 2019 writing and content creating wise. Which is why you may think it is funny that I am so excited for my blog in 2019 and I am taking the entire month of January off *insert puzzled face*.
I will still be around on Instagram, and using my captions as a form of writing and keeping you up to date, but I need a month to focus on something completely different. There is some studying for a course I need to get done that I have had for some months now, but I always choose to blog instead of study because obviously that is way more fun. I have three books I need to get through and I am not even half way through the first. My goal is to finish the first book by the end of January (or earlier if possible), then I will hopefully be in such a studying groove that I can bring back blogging in February and still finish the second book by the end of Feb, then finish the third by March (I will tell you what I am doing once I am done haha). I am thinking I will come back to the blog on my birthday, Feb. 7th, since that is kind of like my new year, right? Plus once I have this studying complete I will have even more time to focus on the blog.
Okay I will end here since this is getting lengthy, I hope you have made it this far! I am excited for tonight. I have NEVER been this excited for a new year but I am ready to take it on. I will post my resolutions/goals for the new year tomorrow and then I am out for the month! If I end up doing really well with studying maybe I will reward myself with a post, but let’s be honest, this stuff is boring so I don’t see rewards in my future. But here is to wishful thinking and no sleep!
Happy New Year’s Eve everyone! Be safe and talk to you next year!