Feeling Behind

I know most have probably felt this way at some point in their lives or are feeling it right now, but I have really been battling the feeling of being behind. It all ties into that darn comparison trap. My older sister (year and a half older) is married, has a 5 (almost 6) year old, and is wanting to have another baby. My younger brother (year and a half younger) is married and they are expecting their first baby girl in February (SO EXCITED). My two little sisters are in serious relationships and will probably be engaged soon. Three of my five best friends are married and one of those three has a one year old son. Another best friend is engaged, and the fifth is in a serious relationship and will probably be engaged very soon. It is hard to think of how everyone you know is moving on with their lives and you feel like you are just stuck where you are.

The battle with this is I know I am not stuck, but I still get dragged down this hole of feeling like my life isn’t going like it is supposed to. I am not saying that all of this is because I do not have a boyfriend. I know a man does not determine my life. But it is more of my life isn’t going according to MY plan, yet everyone I know is. A breakup almost four years into a relationship was not part of my plan. Being single at 28 was not part of my plan. My plan was to be engaged right about now and planning a wedding. Instead I just work and talk about dates like nothing but inside I am terrified to go on one. Which leads me down another hole of thinking OMG I AM GOING TO BE ALONE FOREVER BECAUSE I WILL NEVER MEET SOMEONE. Then I think, well maybe I am meant to be the single one forever. Like how do you meet someone, or better yet, how do you meet someone when all of your friends are in relationships?

I have to remember that MY plan means nothing. This is all GOD’S plan. I am only here because of Him and my life will go according to His plan and His will, no one else’s. As much as I try to control everything or have very strong ideas about how things should go, they mean nothing to His plan. This has been a major time of practicing patience. It is ironic because last year two of my girlfriends and I were doing a bible study with the book Wait and See, and my whole season of waiting was for the next chapter of my life, to get engaged and get married (or so I thought). Little did I know that instead of getting proposed to by the man I thought I would marry, I would get dumped. I am still in that season of waiting however, the circumstances have changed. I know that in order for God’s plan to be fulfilled and to bring me together with the one I am supposed to be with, I had to be rid of the one I wasn’t meant to be with. It took awhile to be able to admit that, but I know God wouldn’t let us go through such pain without purpose. Thinking of it in a positive light, I am one step closer to finding my future husband BECAUSE things ended with who I thought I was meant to be with.

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Now the real waiting is happening. Before it was waiting and waiting for the wrong guy to propose which was never going to happen, but I thought I knew what was going to happen. Now the waiting is unknown. I know one day I will get married. My friend reminded me that God did not put us here to be alone. But WHO will I get married to one day? WHERE will I meet this man? WHEN will I meet this man? WILL I know when I meet this man? There are a lot of unanswered questions. In fact, all are unanswered questions. The only thing I know to be true is that I need to have patience and I need to trust in God.

Feeling behind is a constant struggle. I literally have to work on it every day or it can really get you down. It can make you not excited for people you love when they are getting what you want. I have had to consciously make an effort to be genuinely excited. Since time has passed that is easier. My excitement for my friends and my family who are getting married and having babies is real, but there is still the pain deep down of wondering when my time will be. I will keep practicing patience, it is all I can do. That, and trusting that He really does have an amazing plan and purpose for me. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future,” Jeremiah 29:11.03_1600x

27 Years

Well Brittany, welcome to 27. How strange is it that I am in my late 20’s? It doesn’t feel right to me for some reason. This past Saturday my boyfriend, one sister, friends, and I went to Lazy Dog for my birthday and on the way there all of these thoughts were going through my head like what am I doing with my life? I feel like I am at a time in my life where it is hard to not compare myself to my friends. We are all mostly the same age yet half are married, some have already bought a house, and even having babies now. As for me, I share a one bedroom apartment with my boyfriend and we are no where near getting engaged, but rather trying to stay afloat so we can make a life for ourselves… eventually. I feel like that is my go to word, “well it will happen, eventually”. It is easy to fall into the down feeling of things not going the way you thought they were. I think that is the problem, we, or at least I, had and still have all of these expectations of how my life would go and it is just not happening.

What made me feel better about this was finally opening up to a couple of my girls and realizing that they felt the same but in their own ways. Talking about it helped and the fact that we now constantly remind each other that it just isn’t our time. My bfffff posted a good blog the other night called Timeline, and she used this quote (I am not sure where she got it from):

Remember that the timeline of your love life will always be the right timeline for you. Who cares if your one friend got married at 24 or your other friend got engaged at 29 or your sister had her first baby at 31. Remember that whichever way your life works out is the exact way it is supposed to work out.

I keep reminding myself that I am unique and I do not want to be like everyone else. The time for my life to fall together in the way I want it to is coming. I have to trust in God’s timing, be patient, and be happy for what I have because truly I am very fortunate. I have a loving family, the most perfect sisters in the world, a boyfriend that I love and I know I want to spend my life with, and the most amazing best friends. I truly do have it all when I think about it. So here is to turning 27. I want this to be the year I MAKE things happen, not just WAIT for them to happen.