I have always heard that breastfeeding is hard, and I have always believed that. Up until seven months ago I hadn’t had to try myself, but had seen my sister try and struggle, and could only imagine. Even after giving birth, breastfeeding moms are still giving up their body in a sense, eating a specific diet, and sacrificing sleep to feed the new little human.

I gave birth to my son last October, and the whole pregnancy I had the intention to breastfeed (insert the caveat: if I was able to). I saw my sister try and breastfeed three beautiful little babes, and struggled to produce milk with each one (you did amazing sister!), so I knew maybe there could be a chance I couldn’t as well. Although that was always a fear, I pushed it away and manifested that I WILL PRODUCE and be able to do this. 

Baby boy made his debut and the nurses were raving about my colostrum, telling me I had so much. I was feeling excited and confident. Having him latch immediately was its own little adventure. He would and then he wouldn’t. The hospital’s lactation consultant came by and helped me a bit, she also had me try a shield to feed him, which seemed to help. After a day or two he would only latch with the shield. That started to make me sad, already thinking that me by myself wasn’t good enough. I figured it was temporary though and we will see when my milk came in. 

We had his first appointment with his pediatrician at four days old because he wasn’t born at our intended hospital. By four days old, he had lost almost a pound, which I knew could happen. He also had jaundice (great). Our pediatrician wanted us to start supplementing with two ounces of formula after every feeding session. I thought no problem, I obviously want him to gain weight. Again I thought, this was just temporary to get him where he needs to be. By that day anyways my milk was starting to come in a bit. 

Over the next couple days I could feel my milk coming in and I was getting excited. We were going to do this little man! He still wasn’t latching well so I kept using the shield, even though it bothered me. I just wanted him to eat. But we still were not doing so well. I researched on things to do to increase milk production because I just didn’t feel there was enough. I read to pump after feeding him to make sure you were empty, and to drink tons of water and eat certain things. It wasn’t working so I started to panic. 

I made an appointment with the Kaiser lactation consultant. We met and she made me feel so good. She weighed my son before I fed him and after to confirm that he was indeed getting milk. She assured me the shield wont be forever and that is was a good training tool for my body that I will eventually be able to stop using. She also told me two vitamins and supplements to start taking to help increase my milk. Lastly, she told me to pump for 30 minutes after every feeding, and even got me a hospital grade pump on rent for free through my insurance since I only had a portable pump. I left feeling confident. But again once at home, the confidence left. 

My son is a very cozy baby. One of the hardest parts of getting him to latch was that he would fall asleep within minutes every time we tried to nurse. I was trying all the tricks and he did not want to stay awake. We also kept going through days where every time we tried to nurse he would just cry so much. When we went for the bottle though with his supplemented two ounces, he was awake, not fussy, and ate no problem. 

I was upset, jealous almost about this silly little bottle. Then feeling silly myself about feeling like that. Why didn’t he want to to eat from me like this? We had a couple times where he latched to just me and ate. I didn’t even want to breath in those few and far between moments in fear I would break his concentration and he would stop. 

With pumping I was only ever getting about two ounces between both of my sides. This was still after a month of breastfeeding. I kept thinking, shouldn’t I be getting more by now? I had another appointment with the lactation consultant and again it was a great appointment. My son did so well, ate about two and a half ounces and latched with no shield! I was so excited! Maybe we had finally gotten over the hurdle. We went home that day and he kept doing it, three more feedings where he latched and ate (we still had the supplemental bottle as our pediatrician didn’t want us to stop yet), but he was doing it! Then that night he went back to his normal, struggling to latch. 

Soon after, we again went through the phase of just crying and fussing every time I tried to nurse him, like he hated it or was hurting. I kept trying, but he wouldn’t eat, he was just so upset, but again… he took the bottle just fine, and went back to sleep. 

I was getting so stressed and depressed about it. Thinking about it, let alone trying to talk about it, brought me to tears every time. Why was this happening to me? I was feeling like such a failure, like why couldn’t I be enough for my baby? Why could all of my best friends breastfeed their babies for a year plus, and I was struggling every single day. I know I shouldn’t compare, but I couldn’t help it. What was wrong with me. My body was failing me, and more importantly it was failing my baby who needed me.

I started placing blame other places and getting angry. What if this was because the lactation consultant in the hospital had me try a shield his second night in this world? I got so mad at that lactation consultant. What if this was because our pediatrician had us start supplementing with a bottle at four days old? Shouldn’t we have tried a little longer, at least a day even? I know he had good intentions (and I love our pediatrician), but I was angry for that direction so soon. What if this was because I started off with a portable pump that I didn’t know was not strong enough to be using all the time? I was angry at myself for being so stupid. 

The same thought on repeat in my head: I am not enough. I am not enough. Another thought that always recurred to me was what if we were in a different time, a time that didn’t have formula, where your baby depended solely on YOU… what would have happened then?

But the blame placing didn’t make me feel better. In the end, it always came back to me. Back to the failure of MY body. I teetered on the idea of trying up until he was eight weeks old. If I was in the same position, then maybe I would stop. I didn’t say this idea to anyone yet, just thought it to myself. That night, just with the thought of stopping bouncing around in my head, I felt a sort of sense of relief. So I waited a few more days, and I kept thinking it. I finally told my husband what I was thinking and he was so supportive. He said whatever I want to do. We were only at five weeks then. I decided I will keep seeing how I felt up until eight weeks. 

Come seven weeks and I had fully decided that I would be stopping breastfeeding at eight weeks. One more week to go. I felt myself almost counting down. I wouldn’t say I felt a sense of excitement, but I was looking forward to not feeling like a failure as much, and I was looking forward to the extra sleep I would be getting. That last week was a roller coaster of emotions though. I kept thinking should I try a little longer? I even impulse ordered another milk supplement in the middle of the night while nursing and convinced myself to try a little longer. The next morning came and I emailed the company asking to cancel my order. I was stopping at eight weeks. 

The day came. Our last feeding session I had my husband take a photo of my son and I nursing so I could have it for myself. It was an emotional feeding. After my husband took the photo he left the room and I was glad. I needed it. I needed to cry while my son nursed from me for the last time. Mourn the loss of this connection we had been trying so hard to build. During that session I had the same thoughts. Maybe I should keep trying. But that was it, that was our last session together. 

Days and even weeks later I found myself Googling can you make your body lactate again after weening? The answer was yes. It didn’t seem easy though. I just went up and down feeling so guilty about “quitting”, like I was quitting on my son. 

This entire journey I KNEW he was getting enough food with the formula, but it took a long time to accept that he was okay without me. But it wasn’t like he didn’t have me. I was still feeding him. There was a lot of grieving and acceptance that needed to happen in the next few weeks and months. Even now, five months later as I sit here and reflect on this time and these feelings, I have tears in my eyes. 

I have grown a lot since then, but I still feel sensitive about it. When someone asks if I am breastfeeding or bottle feeding, I feel the need to give an explanation of why I am not breastfeeding. I had to work, and still am working, on not doing that because it is no ones business but mine and my son’s. 

Advice I have to give, unless it comes up naturally in a conversation and a mother of a young baby offers up the information, don’t ask if she is breastfeeding or not. You never know if you are causing her emotional stress over a situation she is trying to heal from. The important part is that their baby is well fed. My sister told me, “A fed baby is a happy baby.” I had to chant that to myself so many days, and I can tell you what, one look at my son’s chubby thighs and you will know he is a well fed baby, and he is the happiest baby. 

One day, when we have our next baby, I do want to try again and breastfeed. I want to be better prepared, healthier, and emotionally ready and see if that makes any difference. If it is not my path again, I pray I will give myself more grace this time and remind myself that I am enough and my blessing of being a mother is not dictated on whether or not I can breastfeed. 

For all the other mamas who are struggling in breastfeeding or who struggled, remember: a fed baby is a happy baby. It is okay to stop if that is what is best for you and your mental health, and YOU ARE ENOUGH. 

XOXO