Tragic Hypochondriac 

It has been strangely long since something tragic has happened to me, but never fear, tragicness found me yet again. The other night I was in the shower and I noticed my hands were kind of white and I could see the veins in them more. Nothing strange really, I could just notice my veins. I kept doing my shower thing and checked my hands again. They were getting even whiter. I didn’t feel that great all day so I started wondering if something was wrong. I checked my hands again and it was getting worse. I could see all of veins in my hands. They were so blue and I could see even the smallest ones going across my fingers. I started panicking. Something was seriously wrong. Of course since I was panicking and focusing on my hands, they started to feel weird in a tingly, numb way. This was the end I knew it! I got out of the shower, wrapped up in my towel, sat down on the toilet and put my head down because I was feeling light headed. I silently told myself (because my boy friend was in the next room) to take deep breaths, in my nose, out my mouth. It is okay, you are just panicking, nothing is wrong. I got dressed and started doing my other things like brush my teeth and was avoiding looking at my hands. After I brushed my teeth I finally looked down at them. They were pink and normal like nothing had happened. I felt such relief and then instantly felt like a psycho. I just had a mini panic attack in the shower because of pale hands and blue veins. I am ridiculous. I am now at the point that I can laugh at it, but I still didn’t tell my boyfriend, he already thinks I am crazy I am sure.  

A Tragic Short- Instagram or Insta-Stalker?

Even if you won’t admit it, all of us girls stalk. It’s what we do. We have investigating urges that can only be satisfied by a minimum of 32 week old Instagram stalking. We can’t help it, we stalk and judge.

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Something catches our interest, like a girl who liked or commented on your mans photo, and the next thing you know you are 25 weeks deep and know who her best friends are, what she got for Christmas, and that her sister had an amazing wedding venue. In other cases, like myself last night, something else catches your interest like a girl in a bathing suit, and you look at it so you can feel pitiful about why your body doesn’t look like that yet. I just did my 5 minute ab app. Why aren’t I skinny yet? Yes this was me last night. While I should have been sleeping, I went on the discover page of Instagram and ended up stalking Miss Pennsylvania, then hated myself for not being as pretty as her.

Hi. My name is Brittany, and I am a Psycho Girl.
HI BRITTANY! Responded my fellow psychos from Psycho Girls Anonymous.

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PMS- Psycho, Mad, Sad

Us girls all know that when you hang out with your girlfriends often, you all start to get on the same track, do you know what I mean? Eventually all of your special girl times will be right around the same time, especially if you’re roommates. My roomie and I are right on schedule with each other. It was so funny because last month our group of five, aka- the Fab 5, all of us and our boys got together for “Friendsgiving” and literally all of us were on our time of the month. One of the girl’s husbands heard and said, “Oh my god you girls are all PMSing together!” His wife quickly corrected him saying PMS is pre and we are passed that part, to which he responded, “Fine then you are all MSing together.” Boys logic.

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Anyways we are about in the pre time again and my roommate and I were texting back and forth today about how we were sad for no real reasons. She was saying how she is the only one without a guy and I had this absurd idea that my boyfriend didn’t even like me anymore. I mean he didn’t even text me back for like two and a half hours. I soon found out that he was in a meeting with his district manager. I then realized that I needed to snap out of my little funk because I was being a typical girl. PMS should really stand for Psycho, Mad, Sad because that is literally our cycle that recurs again and again until our time is up. We will be perfectly normal, then we will get a psycho girl thought like our boyfriend isn’t texting us back because he doesn’t like us anymore, then we get mad at our boyfriends for not texting us back, then we get really sad that he doesn’t like us anymore. After this cycle we calm down when we find out he was in a work meeting the whole time and are calm until the next incident sets us off.

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I was watching a comedian on Netflix the other night with my boyfriend and he said that girls are like rescued dogs and they need to keep them calm or they will get set off. I thought that was really funny because it is kind if true. We are not crazy, we just get an excuse to be psycho for a week without getting institutionalized. Boys it is best to just do what we say and get us chocolate and tell us that we are pretty.

PMS-Psycho, Mad, Sad PMS-Psycho, Mad, Sad PMS-Psycho, Mad, Sad PMS-Psycho, Mad, Sad

PMS-Psycho, Mad, Sad PMS-Psycho, Mad, Sad PMS-Psycho, Mad, Sad PMS-Psycho, Mad, Sad

PMS-Psycho, Mad, Sad PMS-Psycho, Mad, Sad PMS-Psycho, Mad, Sad PMS-Psycho, Mad, Sad

PMS-Psycho, Mad, Sad PMS-Psycho, Mad, Sad PMS-Psycho, Mad, Sad PMS-Psycho, Mad, Sad

PMS-Psycho, Mad, Sad PMS-Psycho, Mad, Sad PMS-Psycho, Mad, Sad….. Okay I’m happy now.

Psycho Girl Tendencies

There are certain things that most psycho girls do and may not even realize it. See if any of these are your own psycho girl tendencies:

1. Telling your best friend that you’re going to “unlike” a picture that you already liked, because of course you’ve already liked it. She is your best friend, by law you must like all of her pictures. Anyways, you tell her that you’re going to “unlike” the picture, then “like” it again, then “unlike” it again to see if she gets a notification.

Doing this you are preparing yourself for plausible deniability, since you just impulsively liked a guys picture and instantly regretted it.

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2. Telling your best friend that you’re going to “unfollow” her on Instagram, then request to follow her again, and then cancel that follow request to see if she gets a notification.

You just decided, after convincing yourself it was a good idea, that it was too soon or too creepy to request to follow.

“I don’t want him to know that I know that he has a girlfriend yet!”

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3. When he hasn’t texted you back yet, you check to see if he is “texting” back yet.

If he is texting back you get all excited and stare and wait. If it is taking a long time you get even more excited because you know it’s going to be a long text. Then when the awaited text finally arrives it’s a rather short response and you’re disappointed that it’s short, but the reality is that boys just can’t spell so all that time you thought he was typing a love novel to you, he is really trying to figure out which form of “there” and “your” to use.

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4. You check to see who comments on his Facebook statuses. If it’s a girl of course you casually check out her page.

“Who is this whore?! Oh, it’s his cousin, she looks pretty.” (sigh of relief)

5. You make “half” jokes to bring up topics or ask a question you’re afraid to straight out ask.

Like when you’re in the “unofficial” stage and you want to make sure he is only dating you. Instead of asking “are you only seeing me?” you say, while he is texting someone else in front of you, “Who are you texting, your other girlfriend?” in a funny, sarcastic, eye roll way, and wait for him to say “no I am only with you.”

6. You text vomit your best friend even though she hasn’t replied back yet.

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7. Over thinking text messages. You go a week of great, constant texting then one day he is short because he is busy and suddenly you think that he is breaking up with you.

“He didn’t use an emoji, he hates me!”

You all know that you do at least one of these tendencies. Let me know what your other psycho ones are!

Okay-Ok-K

There is a certain small word that can not only change the intended or unintended meaning of a text, but also makes us girls totally freak out. This word is OKAY and its various forms as OK and the infamous and hated K. How is it that we have created such different meanings out of a word that simply expresses approval or acceptance? In reality OKAY, and both of its shorter versions, should all share the same meaning. However, us girls have taken it upon ourselves to create our own meanings, and yes I say us and our because we all know we have done it.

So what do these tiny words mean now in a world of texting? OKAY and OK in my eyes personally mean the same. I don’t think anything different of the two. I myself always use the form OK. The only time this word would set off an alarm for me would be if the person I am texting usually uses the form OKAY and replied with an OK instead. Then I would know that something is up. The biggest culprit of this topic though is the single letter K. The subtext of this letter is significantly longer than the word itself, if you can even consider it a word. Guys use this as a response in two ways, both of which drive girls crazy and instantly make us snap.

The first way that guys use this dumb little letter in a text is when they are being lazy. Yes why don’t you shorten an already short word. Do you guys realize how lazy that makes you look? If you are a frequent OK user this means that you literally cut a two letter word into a single digit. This does not do well on defending your literacy.

Texted me K

The other way guys use this word is deliberately. Some of you know what this word does to us girls and that’s why you do it. It’s like lighting a fuse on dynamite. For the guys that are just lazy, you not only freak us out, but you are plain irritating. However for the those of you who use this word on purpose, you are cruel. When we see this word K as a response it sends us girls over the edge. Why do we get this reaction from such a tiny word? It is because we have absolutely no idea what you’re are feeling in your response so the first feeling we jump to is anger. You write K and instantly we assume you’re mad. At first we are mad too just for the fact that you wrote it, but then we start to think. That’s the problem with girls’ minds, we over think everything. Then this leads back to my discussion about us girls turning psycho because of text messages we can’t understand. Now that you’re probably mad, because obviously are or you would have had the decency to send the O along with your K, we must now think back on everything that has happened since we last saw you and figure out what we did to make you upset. This task is not easy. A girl’s mind is like a microscope. If we are over analyzing the letter K just imagine everything else we over analyze. We will obsess over this letter until we know that you are not mad at us by either over nicely texting you showing you how not mad we are, going over to see you so that we can see with our own eyes that you are not mad, or doing the worst and asking you and starting a nothing argument.

When girls find out that this response was out of shear laziness we have mixed emotions of anger and relief. Angry that we waisted so much energy and stress analyzing an imaginary situation, and relief that we did nothing wrong. But the guys that purposefully use this response as a weapon, girls go even more crazy over. This generally happens when you are already in an argument. What makes this worse is that the guy is actually mad and he knows the way to make you just as mad is to tell you K. This usually occurs when us girls are trying to make nice at the end of the fight.

“Okay so I’ll talk to you tomorrow?”- “K”

“Well good night”- “K”

“I’ll text you later”- “K”

They know that you feel guilty and they prey on it to leave you cringing that he is still upset when he probably doesn’t even care anymore. Shame on you guys.

The lesson here for everyone, guys and girls, is to just add an O whenever you feel like saying K. Bring some relief to everyone and spare a night of reliving the past couple days in hope that you don’t find anything that could have made the other mad. Okay? Ok.

Guys I’m curious to know how you feel when a girl responds K?

Tragic Titles

Continuing on with my psycho girl discussion, let’s talk about titles, as in relationship titles. Why is it that whether or not having a title on our relationships affects how psycho we are? I experienced this before my boyfriend made us official, my BFFFF experienced it with her old guy, and my roomie is now currently experiencing it. This is a common phenomenon which actually made me feel better about my own psycho thoughts knowing that it happens to others. I realized that when there is no title girls feel no security. Sure you can be “exclusive” and only be dating each other, but that title makes a huge difference for girls. Without it we get those thoughts that yes he is dating me, but what if an opportunity arises with another girl and he thinks “hmmm we technically aren’t boyfriend and girlfriend.” We have all had those thoughts. Please do not forget that that is the crazy talking.

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It really is amazing how much of a difference a title can make. It changes the “he is not texting me back. What is he doing? Is he with another girl? Is he getting drunk around other girls?” into “my boyfriend isn’t texting me back because he is probably playing his video game,” like mine is doing right now. As girls we are possessive. We want him to be ours and we want to know that he is ours. We don’t want to deal with the guessing of whether or not he is ours. I hate the whole “What are we?” thoughts. When you are in that part of your relationship everyone seems to remind you that you aren’t official by asking you every time they see you, “is he your boyfriend yet?”, “are you two official yet?” You are only stressing your fellow sister out with these questions. This stage is awkward enough to be in, especially with introductions. What are you supposed to say, “um hi, this is the guy I am dating but he isn’t my boyfriend yet Dave.” The guys don’t know how to introduce you either so they go with what they think is right which is actually totally wrong and sends girls spiraling into an internal psycho tantrum by saying, “Hey this is my friend Jen.” FRIEND?! Oh no he did not just call you his friend. Honestly he doesn’t mean it like that, but he has no clue what he just started in your head which will potentially be an argument later on of you telling him that he just considers you friends, and he will not even remember the event of introducing you as that.

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Ladies as much as you can, try to keep the crazy in of how you feel not having a title. If you want that title he cannot know how psycho you are. Remember, let a little psychoness out at a time, guys cant handle it all at once. As for the title, don’t let it stress you out more than it should. Sure it’s okay to stress out about it if you’ve been dating forever and he hasn’t made it official. Sometimes guys just don’t realize that they are slacking. This is when you can let a little smidgen of psycho show and have the “what are we?” talk. This way you either corner him into making you his girlfriend, or you’ll know if that is even his intention or if you are wasting your time. Be strong girls and be openly psycho in small doses.

Subtext Psycho

How many times have you told your girlfriends that you are having a psycho girl moment? For my roomie and I this is a daily occurrence. Some of you may not know what a psycho girl moment is so let me take a moment to enlighten you. A psycho girl moment is when you are having a thought that if your guy knew about it, he would think you’re a psycho and either be scared or break up with you, or both. Almost all of my psycho girl moments, like for many other girls, have been a result of texting. Texting can be so misleading because you cannot hear a tone of voice which makes a huge difference in conversations. Tone is how we determine moods, or emphasize words. Without it we are left to guessing which can cause a huge mess. Although texting is the biggest culprit of psycho girl moments, it still stands as our main form of communication.

Now what is an example of a psycho girl moment? I’ll give you one of mine. My boyfriend was on his way home from visiting his family and I was going to meet him at his place. I was trying to text him and all of his responses were getting shorter and shorter. Suddenly all I could think about was what I could have possibly done to make him mad. I mean he had to be mad at me right? Why else would he be texting me so short? He never had before? I must have done something wrong! I scrolled back through and read all of our texts from that day. There was nothing out of the ordinary and I didn’t say anything bad. Now I was really freaked out because I couldn’t figure out why he was mad because he obviously was.

I was so tempted to text him and ask if everything was okay. But then what if something was wrong? Or even worse, what if nothing was wrong? If I ask him what is wrong, and he says nothing, then he is going to ask me why? Then I am going to have to tell him that he is texting weird, and then he thinks I am a psycho girlfriend and it will start something out of nothing. So instead of texting him and starting a big psycho mess, I called my sister. I told her that I was tempted to text him and she pretty much slapped me through the phone. She told me that everything was probably fine and to just wait until I see him. Good idea. So I waited.

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When I heard the key turn at his place and I knew he was about to walk in I was so nervous. Was he going to walk in mad, normal, smiling? I just didn’t know!  I saw him come through the door. He seemed okay, just a little tired but that was okay, it was late. I asked how the drive was and he told me it sucked and that there was so much traffic. So there was the reason he was irritated. He absolutely hates traffic. After he put his stuff away he came up to me. He told me sorry he was texting so short. On his way to his family’s he had gotten a speeding ticket and he said he didn’t want to get another one for texting on the phone. So right there explained it all. What I took and exaggerated in my own mind of me doing something wrong that he was mad at, was really him driving in traffic and not wanting to get a ticket. You could imagine my relief. I also felt a little foolish for making up an entire scenario in my head, but not nearly as foolish as if I would have actually asked him if something was wrong.

These psycho moments are bound to happen. We are girls and girls are psycho, that’s just how it is. My advice to all of you though is to seek help when you are feeling the urge to act on you psycho moment. Phone a friend and talk it out before you doing something you regret. You need to hide and contain your psycho self deep down. She tries to come out and you must control her! My other piece of advise is to make sure you and your guy actually have real conversations on the phone sometimes and not just text all the time. It really makes a difference. Don’t get caught up in the imaginary subtext of your text that you created in your head. Don’t be a psycho.