Life Changes and Heartbreak

I think it is time to get a little real, okay a lot real. I think I am ready. The last four months have been nothing less than a roller coaster. Instagram as everyone knows, or should know, is not real life. It is real and the pictures and moments we share are real, but the good cannot exist in this life without the bad, and naturally we only choose to share the good. The past four months I have worked hard to keep up “good” and “fine” appearances on social media, but I was not fine. From a few subtle Instagram stories I shared, some may have noticed that I moved, but you may not know why.

Since I have moved out of my parents house four years ago, I have moved four times and I HATE MOVING. First I moved in with one of my best friends (you all know her, it was Heather!), the next year I moved in with my boyfriend, the next year he and I moved into a new apartment (hang on, let me rephrase that, I MOVED us to a new apartment while he was away at basic training), and a year and a half later, I just moved in with my sister and her family, without him.

About four months shy of four years and he ended it. This was exactly four months ago today. Even four months later I still can’t believe it sometimes. I understand why, but I don’t understand why. Why after almost four years can you not know if you EVER want to get married? How can you start a relationship so perfectly and as the years go on, lose how to be a boyfriend? Lose affection? Why couldn’t you try? Why didn’t you want to try? Why are you so convinced you cannot change?

So things ended and we lived together. Our lease doesn’t end until October and there is no way out unless he gets military orders. We were stuck. I had to come home and see the man who broke me every night. Eventually he started staying at a friends during the week and I would come home to sit in our apartment alone. I left almost every weekend for a distraction and so he could actually come home. Finally after a month, he offered to take over the lease and my sister and brother-in-law offered to let me move in. That was the hardest move I have ever done. How was I supposed to pack up my things and leave his behind? To remove any trace of me out of that apartment that we made our home? It took a lot to get the motivation to even start. I would go through waves of emotions while packing, devastation, frustration, anger, sobbing. Mostly I just packed through constant silent tears. I got it all done and started officially living with my sister in March. Driving away after giving him the keys made it real, I would not be seeing him again. It felt like a month long breakup, the slowest band aid in the world.

I understand why. You don’t know if you ever want to get married or have a family, but you know I do, and you don’t want to waste anymore of my time. I get it. I also get that I didn’t give you that feeling that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me. You didn’t love me like I loved you. These last four months have been the hardest for me. I have to drive by our old apartment twice a day and every time I am looking for your truck both terrified and longing to be even next to you on the freeway. I have never experienced such emptiness, brokenness, anxiety, and suffocation all at the same time. It was like someone was sitting on my chest and it was hard to breathe, and for hours every day I have to sit in my car with no one but my thoughts of you and how you don’t want me anymore. I think of how I wanted to be the one who changed you, to make you want to be better. But I guess you really can’t change people, only God can, and I still continue to pray for you every day. I still feel weird without you, like I am not quite myself. Sometimes I feel like I do not know how to carry on a conversation anymore because every story I want to tell has you in it. How am I just supposed to take you out of my life when I wanted you in it forever? How am I supposed to be normal at a family function when everyone is with their significant other and they all know mine left me? What do you say when all your friends say “the right guy will come,” and you just want to scream because you feel like the right guy just didn’t want you? Deep down you pray they are right, but you don’t even want to pray for the right guy because it feels wrong and you just want the old guy back. How am I supposed to breakup with your family that has become my family? I feel like I am the one that failed sometimes.

For the first time in a long time I feel like I have no control because my future is unknown, and it is an unsettling feeling that I hope turns to excitement eventually. It is often hard for me to let go, and when I say often I mean always. Life feels like it has completely turned upside down. I am so thankful to my sister and brother-in-law for letting me move in, but it is their home and not mine. I am a long term guest and I try so hard to not be in the way. For the first time I don’t feel like I have a real home, a place I can truly call mine. My days are spent in my car commuting and at work, if I am lucky I have 3 hours to do anything. My commute tripled and I now drive 46 miles one way. In order to get to work early enough to leave early enough to avoid as much traffic as I can, I have to leave for work by 5:15am and leave for home by 3:30pm. The drive in still takes at best an hour and ten minutes and the drive home averages an hour and a half to two. If I go to the gym I am not home until after 7 or 8pm. Trying to go to bed early has been a joke and waking up at 4:15am is next to impossible most days. Weeks of averaging five hours of sleep a night doesn’t work for me very well and doesn’t do any good for outrageous emotions.

Two weeks ago he picked up his dirt bike from my dad’s. That was the last lingering piece of him. I noticed after it was gone I felt a little lighter. Maybe I was anticipating him going to pick it up because I wanted to know what he would say to my dad and how he would act. It was like I was going to live vicariously through my dad to have one last connection with him. Now there is nothing left and I felt okay. I actually noticed I have been significantly better until I sat down to write this blog. You would think you only had so many tears to spare for one person, but no they come yet again. I do not regret our four years together despite everyone telling me they wished he hadn’t have wasted so much of my time. I was still in love, even if looking back now it may have been more one sided than I chose to believe. I know now I deserve better. I want someone that will hold my hand in private and in public, someone who will hug me every day like they mean it and will give me a good morning kiss, hello I am home from work kiss, I will be right back kiss, a good night kiss, and any other kiss in between. I want someone who will say I love you first and not just say it in response with no emotion. I want someone who isn’t afraid to post a picture with me and show everyone he knows that I am his. I want someone who isn’t afraid to pray and love God.

Every day I get stronger, and still some days seem like a step back. I can’t see a black Ford F150 without my heart fluttering, but last week I drove by the apartments and didn’t notice until I passed them. One day at a time, that is all I can give myself. I thank God every day for all of the friends and family He has put in my life to help get me through this. For the ones who know I don’t like to talk about these things but want me to know they are still thinking of me and praying for me even if they aren’t asking about it. I pray for him too, that God will change his heart and that one day he will find true happiness. One day at a time and eventually I will be there.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Proverbs 4:23

xoxo- B

Life Update!

Hey there! Long time no talk, it has literally been a little over a month since I have blogged. Slack attack I know! Life got crazy so I decided to just blog after it all settled down, I already had too much stress! So this is just a quick update on life. My last post Last HB Hoorah talked about my move from Huntington Beach. For the last month and a half I was living with my older sister, brother-in-law, and 3 1/2 year old niece. My niece and I were bedmates since she has a queen size bed (not purposefully, there was just an extra bed with our whole family). I slept with her and all of my clothes were in three boxes and hanging in the spare closet. I tried to keep my stuff as condensed as possible so I literally lived out of boxes for a month and a half.  The bed situation sounds pretty nice, a queen size bed with a 3 1/2 year old, I should have all of the room that I want. WRONG! That girl owns that bed! I had no idea how much children move in the middle of the night, she put her feet on my face, turned completely horizontal, had her head against the back of my knees (that was a weird one), and must have been dreaming she was a whale because she emerged up and out of the covers and onto my face, all of this while sound asleep. I didn’t sleep straight through the night most nights, BUT I was so thankful that I was able to stay there with them, despite my sleep deprivation, I already miss them.

Finally the time had come last week to go to Georgia to see my boyfriend’s Army graduation at Ft. Banning. I was so excited to see him since it had been 3 1/2 months since I saw him last. The graduation was fun, it was cool being in another state even if it was just for a couple days. The thing that amazed us the most was all of the trees! My boyfriend, his mom, sister, nephew, and I, all flew home last Friday and I finally had him back. Then last Sunday we signed the lease on our new apartment and moved in immediately after AND he went back to work this past Tuesday (we don’t mess around here!). So finally almost all of our boxes are unpacked. Unpacking is almost as bad as packing, especially when you move into an apartment that has HALF of the storage space you used to have. I might have to get rid of some more clothes! ;( But thats not official yet haha.

Now that we are settled I am getting back into writing so please expect some more blogs! Thanks for sticking around!

Last HB Hoorah

It’s official! I am finally moved out of my apartment in Huntington Beach. It is very bittersweet and the last time I drove away after turning in my keys I almost felt like crying (such an emotional girl). I am happy that the packing is over though. Packing is literally one of the worst things, what is even worse is packing an entire apartment alone! My boyfriend totally owes me! (side update, he is doing really well in basic training! He graduates on August 5th!) I would also like to thank my bffff because I literally would not have gotten the apartment packed without her.

The plan was to move everything out last Sunday, so my bffff, younger sister and I, wanted to do a last HB hoorah and do a few things that we had been wanting to do, like go to the OC Swap meet. The swap meet is awesome because there is so much there and it only costs $2.00 to get in. Even if you don’t buy anything it is just fun to look around. We made our way through a bunch of vendors and saw a lot of cute clothes. I found these awesome sunglasses too! There was a fun pair online that I have been wanting to buy but haven’t wanted to spend $50.00 on them, but here I found a different fun pair I liked and they were two for $15.00! Naturally I bought two pairs. They are so fun, I have been wearing them everyday.


We also found this one booth that sells hair bows, Mia C’s Bowtique. She had a lot of cute bows including wrap type ones. My bffff ended up buying 5 different bows, three of which represent her teams, hockey, football, and baseball.


One of my favorite booths was a mobile boutique called Jules Vault. It was the cutest vintage truck that you could go inside to shop. I liked basically every piece of clothing they sold! I will definitely be looking for them again.

Life is too short to wear boring clothes- Jules Vault







After the swap meet we ran a couple errands and next on the agenda were rainbows from Aloha Grill down on Main Street. If you don’t know, a rainbow is probably one of the best alcoholic beverages you can get. It is like six different slushy drinks totaling about ten different alcohols, mostly rum. The other great thing about these drinks is that they are only $7! You can get two to tipsy in less than $15, if that’s not a yummy deal then I don’t know what is.

We ended the night with a walk on the pier down to Ruby’s Diner to get shakes. It was the best chocolate banana shake of my life!


It ended up being the perfect last day to the end of my adventure in Huntington Beach. The next day my dad and his friend came to help me move out and I was sore for about four days since the elevator in our building was broken and we had to carry everything down stairs. As I said, it is really bittersweet to move. I loved the atmosphere of living down there, the commute to work was just really terrible. I also wished we would have utilized our location more. When you live at the beach it is easy to take it for granted and never really go. It makes me sad that every time I get off work my iPhone tells me that it will take me 50 minutes to get home because it thinks I am still living there. But I know that my boyfriend and I will be on to our next adventure in our life and it won’t be the last, so on to the next thing!

Click the B’ to follow me on Bloglovin’!
circle-64

Packing is Pitiful

Packing is probably one of the most pitiful acts to partake in. Aside from being absolutely awful, you have to sit there going through your own things and reassuring yourself over and over again that you are not a hoarder. You end up with a million trash bags of things you do not know why you kept. Things like, oh I don’t know, an accordion file stuffed with papers and assignments from school that you thought maybe you should keep but haven’t even opened it since you stopped going to grad school anyways, and your reason for taking all the horrible classes you did are stuffed inside that little dollar section accordion file, sitting and collecting dust as a constant reminder of being a failure at life! Not that I have experienced that, what gave you that impression? But if I did then that accordion file would be in the trash, even if it is pink! (Okay Britt, remember, calm, cool, and collected).

Anyways, as I was saying, packing sucks. The worst part for me has been the clothes. As I mentioned in my previous post, Parting with Clothes, I was having trouble getting rid of some. I explained how clothes are a part of you, so you have to get rid of old pieces when you are ready and that old part of yourself is ready to be let go of, and embrace your new self. But honestly I have a problem, one single human being should not be allowed to have this many clothes. It is a girls dream really, only to be made into your worst nightmare by a dinky sized closet. Well it is a normal sized closet, but it might as well be for a peasant for everything I need to stuff in there. It isn’t my fault! I blame working in retail for eight years. After days of organizing, multiple loads of laundry, a war between emotions for personified clothes and sane, rational thinking, and an oversized and overflowing donation box, I conquered the biggest challenge known to women, packing the closet. What relief I felt to be done.

Another thing to add to the list of why packing is the pits is how boxes and stuff is just everywhere. I practically killed myself walking into our apartment with my hands full, causing me to not be able to take my sunglasses off until I put the stuff down in the kitchen, resulting in me tripping over our Christmas tree box because I couldn’t see it.

Out of everything tragic that has gone along with my roomie and I packing, nothing can beat last night. It is our last few days in the apartment, I guess we had to have one more tragic event at Tragic Girl Headquarters to see us off. We started off living together with every intent to recycle and save the money to put towards a trip that we never planned anyways. Well we had a pretty big bag of recycling going, but never had the same day off of work to take it to turn in together. Eventually it was just in the way so we put it on the patio. As time went on it just became part of the patio so we didn’t bother with it. Being now that we have until Tuesday, yesterday we decided to clean the patio.

We started first with the few weeds that started growing around the edge. One got so tall so fast that it required both of us to pull it out. After our small weed garden was uprooted, it was time for the recycling.

IMG_0065     IMG_0066

IMG_0069      IMG_0070

The bag was out there for so long it was broken. I was convinced some wild animal was on our porch and broke through it, but in reality the bag was brittle from the sun. We thought we could just push that bag into a new trash bag, pull the strings and be done with it, but no. Bottles and cans were falling out and rolling around. We didn’t want to touch anything because we were pretty certain that there were spiders and God knows what inside this bag. Attempting to use the broom as a shovel seemed like our only plan. As my roomie and I struggled to play hockey with recycling and get the items in a new bag untouched, our other friend was over visiting, observing from the safety behind the screen door. As I am holding the broom and my roomie is holding the bag, our observer throws out that there is a spider on the bottom of the broom. I instantly drop it and we back up. As the bottom of the broom bounces up we see it. This is probably one of the biggest spiders I have seen in person and we were both struck with fear and screamed. My roomie jumps onto the only chair on the patio, then hops the wall to get away. I get on the chair ready to follow her when our friend said she is pretty sure it is dead. Still, dead or not, I did not want to be trapped on the patio with it. With a closer look, still behind the safety of the screen, our friend starts cracking up and says that the spider is a fake one that comes with the Halloween webs! We all start dying laughing, and I was so relived. If that would have been a real spider I was moving out yesterday. We didn’t even have any of those fake spiders on Halloween, but our neighbors above us did. After we calmed down, my roomie knocked on the front door to get let back in because the door was locked. This had to have been one of the most pathetic displays of girls ever. We were too scared still to take the fake spider off the end of the broom so every time we caught a glimpse of it while sweeping we jumped and flinched, forgetting about it each time.

IMG_0067

IMG_0068

After what took forever, requiring us to cut two other trash bags so that we could lay them flat and burrito the old broken bag into them and then shimmy the burrito bundle into a third bag, we threw the sucker away. Mission accomplished. If you were unaware, my roomie and I have had quite a few encounters with spiders, all tragic. Here is a flashback to our second encounter caught on tape in one of my early posts OMG More Spiders!

We only have a little more to pack and Tragic Girl Headquarters will be officially moving. Stay tuned!