Statistically Speaking, I Could Die Alone

I had a thought the other day. It wasn’t a new thought, I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t passed through my head before. But this time I had a new argument behind it, so I had to consult Tab.

Now I know this isn’t true (hopefully), but my thought before was what if I am never meant to get married. This time around however, I was thinking how we have 5 kids in our family. What are the chances that all 5 of our parents’ kids get married off and have babies?! If there was a statistic for this I would think 4 out of 5 is a pretty good outcome. “Not too shabby, we almost did it,” or “Can’t win them all,” are possible phrases that may pass around. I know the score so far is only 2 out of 5, but the other 2 are behind them, and then there is me, bringing up the rear as a single almost 30 year old. While everyone is sporting wedding rings, I will be sporting a participation award, “THANKS FOR PLAYING!”

Now Tab thought I was crazy, but she said she had similar thoughts when she was single, minus my not backed up statistical facts (maybe I should make a graph or pie chart of some sort for back up to be more convincing next time… noted). Maybe it is something everyone goes through when you have been single over a year and have absolutely no idea how to date or meet a decent human being. She told me though that once she accepted the fact that IF she never got married she WOULD BE okay, it was very liberating to her. THE F*CK?! Was that supposed to make me feel better? I just paused then let out a riiiight.

I told her my new life plan will to just be the family nanny, to which she thought I said fanny. But hey, Family + Nanny = FANNY! The kids can call me Fanny, and I will just watch all the kiddos of my siblings while they work. Instead of a crazy cat lady, I will be a crazy niece and nephew lady. If you talk to me in the grocery story I will bust out my wallet and let the accordion of school photos repel down and continue to tell you all of their names, ages, and grades (like you care) and be sure to not mention at least three times that I never got married and had my own kids which is why I watch all of my nieces and nephews. Despite the fact that I will only be 36, I will be wearing a crocheted shall that I made myself while watching the sweet angels destroy my home. I think it is a solid life plan.

Now again, I don’t REALLY think I will end up alone, but I was legit getting worried considering the fact that I honestly do not know how to meet someone. I feel like it is all fun to talk about going out and trying to talk to people, but when you actually get to that moment, I don’t know, it is scary. There is so much pressure. WHY CAN’T SOME GREAT GUY JUST COME UP TO ME? I think I will do a whole other post on that later. Until then, I will just be perfecting my plans of being the Fanny. Going forward all future birthday and Christmas gifts can be various balls of yarn and scrapbook supplies. Kay thanks! -Fanny


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