Feeling Meh

Going through a moment where my high school and college first love just had his first baby with his wife, and my ex and last love is posting photos with some random when after almost four years he wouldn’t post a single picture, let alone a Snapchat with me. And I finally went on my first half date, as in coffee, and although it wasn’t bad nor was it exciting, I’m offended that he stopped texting me first and just can’t comprehend why he didn’t like me. Even though I keep saying, “but I don’t care” and I promise I don’t! But like, I should have been the one to stop texting him, EVEN THOUGH I already stressed about how to break up with someone you’re not actually dating. All the while I’m sitting on the couch eating an extra large bowl of Cinna-Amazing Crunch, because I’m too cheap to buy real Cinnamon Toast Crunch, besides you get more bang for your buck with the off brand in a bag. Wow this whole paragraph feels like one giant run on sentence… I was telling my bffff that I have a vicious cycle going on in my head and that she doesn’t want to go in there… it is scary.

I don’t even know what it wrong with me. It is like I am “wallowing in self pity” as the Grinch would say, yet I can laugh at myself about it? I can identify the fact that I am being internally pitiful, yet I am continuing to be pitiful. Maybe it is the holidays. This is my first holiday season being single, which is weird considering I had a tradition going for the last four years. His family on Christmas Eve and my family on Christmas day. Now I have Christmas Eve free and nothing to do because my family doesn’t do Christmas Eve… It is cool, I will get through. I am actually really looking forward to the new year and putting this year behind me. Despite the fact that it started off like total garbage, I wouldn’t say it was a particularly bad year. Don’t get me wrong, it was bad, but most of the bad was at the beginning and just kind of lingered through the rest of the year, rearing its bad head when I was feeling down… as in right now.

But like I said, I am really looking forward to 2019. It is going to be a fresh start, baptized from 2018. A lot of 2018 was me figuring out myself (and complaining a bit, and comparing a lot), and although I am not 100% figured out (What? I am a complicated being), I am ready to act on some of the things I want as well as continue to figure out what I want. In addition I really want to focus on NOT comparing. It is really hard not to do, but when I can identify myself being caught in this trap, I want to take a step back and remember there is a plan for me, yadda-yadda-yadda (I know this “plan” talk is real, and I know it is in God’s hands, I truly know and believe that. But sometimes you don’t want to hear that AGAIN, hence the “yadda-yadda”. But I do love all of my people who remind me of this).

Well I think this post may be taking a turn for the confusing so I will stop here, thanks for making it this far! Just felt like I had to get some thoughts down or my brain might explode.

Anyways, I cant believe it is about to be Christmas and the end of the year! I will be taking a blog break in January. I know, I know you will all miss me ;), but I will explain more shortly!

Bye! – xoxo


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